Insert 11: Carl in Charge

​Written by Rosey Collins
​Beth was in the kitchen, mashing potatoes in a big pan, when Carl came in with a small hardback book in his hand.

'James is a total dick,' he announced.

Beth turned away from her pan and stared at him, open-mouthed.

'I mean James the Red Engine,' Carl added hastily.

'Oh, I see!' said Beth, her expression clearing.  'Yes, I know what you mean.  But I don't think Jamie's noticed.  What have you done with him?'

'He's in the living room with the girls,' said Carl.

'Oh no!' said Beth, dropping her potato masher.  'You know he and Rose fight over Conchita!'

'I do?' said Carl, following her as she scurried into the living room.

Beth appeared on the scene just in time to see James parking himself on the floor between Conchita and Rose, pulling off Betty Spaghetty's head and putting it on the neck of one of her friends.  Rose at once let out a roar of fury.

'Hey, Rosy!' Beth said brightly.  'Do you want to help Aunty Beth make lunch?'

'No!' said Rose.  'He put Betty's head on Hannah – make him put it back!'

'You weren't playing with them,' said James.

'You're not supposed to switch their heads!' said Rose.

'Oh, Rose, does it really matter?' Beth said wearily.

'Yes!' said Rose.  Then she looked mutinously at her sister.  'You tell them, Chita!'

'Well...' said Conchita, 'we don't normally switch their heads, Jim.'

'That's how I play with them,' said James.  'Rose can play with something else if she doesn't like it.'

'I was here first!' said Rose, just as the phone began to ring.

'Oh,' said Beth, 'for Christ's sake, who's that?' and she went stomping off to answer it, saying to Carl as she went, 'You handle this, okay?'

Carl looked blankly at the three children and the Betty Spaghetty dolls and accessories that were strewn all over the floor.  James was now fixing a hula skirt to Hannah's body and a safari hat to the erroneously attached head.  Rose stared at him for a moment, then took a deep breath, ready to unleash her outraged feelings.

Carl took a step towards the group and said, 'You don't really want to play with dolls, do you, Jamie?  Why don't you play with one of your birthday presents?'

'I want to play with Betty Spaghetty,' said James.  Carl scowled, but didn't say anything more.

'I don't,' said Conchita, getting to her feet.  'I've had enough of Betty Spaghetty.  I'm going to help Aunty Beth make lunch.'

She made her way to the kitchen; James immediately stood up and followed her.  Rose glared after them for a moment, then began dismantling and rebuilding Betty Spaghetty and friends in the most lifelike combinations she could find.

Moments later, Beth came back into the living room, saying, 'I have to go see my parents and my sister.  My mother's had a stroke.'

'A stroke?' said Carl.  'Oh my God – is she okay?'

'I don't know,' said Beth.  'That's what I'm going to find out.  You'll have to look after the kids, hon.'

'I'll have to look after the kids?' said Carl, and his eyes widened in horror.  'I'll have to look after the kids?  But... but... I can't look after the kids!  Not all three of them!'

'Honey, you're just going to have to,' said Beth, who was now scurrying around getting together her money, shoes and car keys.  'Don't worry, you'll be fine.  Where's James?  Jamie, honey!' she called out vaguely.  'Mommy has to go stay with Granny and Grampy for a day or two.'

James wandered in from the kitchen, looking most put out.  'Why?'

'Granny's not well, sweetheart,' said Beth, crouching to meet his eye level.  'I have to go help Aunt Lydia take care of her.'

'What's wrong with her?' James demanded.  'Is she going to die?'

'Oh, honey, I don't think so... probably.  I don't know how sick she is, but Aunt Lydia doesn't seem to think it's as bad as that.'

'Why can't I come too?'

'Well, we don't want to tire Granny out, do we?' said Beth.  'She needs lots and lots of rest.  She won't be able to play with you, and you'll be bored.  Stay here and play with Daddy and the girls.'

'I think you should take him,' said Rose, not looking up from Betty Spaghetty.

Beth ignored her.  'And besides, Jamie, I need you to tell Kevin where I've gone.'

'Oh,' said James, suddenly looking very important.  'What'll I tell him about Granny?'

'Just tell him she's sick and I'll call him when I have news.  Now, I have to go.  I love you, honey,' and she kissed and hugged him crushingly, then suddenly let him go and made her way to the front door.  James and Carl followed her, James with a forlorn expression on his face and Carl looking like a rabbit in headlights.

'Beth, wait!' said Carl.  'I've never even looked after two of them by myself!'

'Well, maybe it's time you learned,' Beth smiled weakly at him from the doorway.  'Kevin'll be back this evening, and Eduardo or Kylie will be here to pick up the girls probably even before that.  Now, Jamie, you be extra specially good for Daddy, won't you?  Don't fight with Rose.'

James mumbled something non-committal and mooched back into the living room.

'You'll be fine, hon,' Beth said to Carl.  'Bye.'

'Bye, Beth,' said Carl.  'I hope your mom's okay.'

She smiled at him.  'Thanks, Carl.'

She left, and for some seconds, Carl stood in the hallway staring at the closed front door.  Then he turned and went into the living room, where he saw James sitting on the sofa and picking at a hole in one of the arms.  Carl approached him, looked pensive for a moment, then went and poked his head into the kitchen.

'You okay in here, Chita?' he asked.

'Fine,' said Conchita, who was standing on a kitchen stool, holding the potato masher and looking doubtfully into Beth's pan.

'You won't touch the knives or the oven, will you?'

'No, Uncle Carl.'

'Good girl,' Carl said approvingly, and returned to the living room.  Rose was still sitting on the floor with Betty Spaghetty and friends.  Carl left her to herself, and went to sit with James.

'What do you want to do after lunch, Jamie?' he said bracingly.

'I want to watch Thomas and the Magic Railroad,' said James, frowning in concentration at the hole in the sofa.  'With Kevin.'

'Kevin's not here, son,' said Carl.  'You can watch it with me and the girls.'

'I don't want to watch it,' said Rose, still not looking up from Betty Spaghetty.

Carl looked at her.  'Rosy, honey, are you going to be difficult all afternoon?'

'Yes,' she said, sounding very pleased with the idea.

'I thought so,' Carl said with a sigh.  Then he returned his attention to James.  'Would you like me to read you James and the Troublesome Trucks again?'

​'No thanks,' James said despondently.

Carl thought for a moment, then reached out with both hands and began thoroughly tickling James on either side.  James cheered up at once, squealing with laughter and saying insincerely, 'Dad, stop it!'

'Oh yeah?' said Carl.  'Then what'll we do instead?'

'I don't know!' James laughed.

'I know,' said Carl, stopping the tickling but still looming over James, who looked up at him flushed and giggling.  'We haven't put together that dinosaur skeleton Kylie and your uncle gave you.'

'Why not?' demanded Rose, looking up sharply.

'Well, it's only been a few days,' Carl said reasonably.  'But we can do it now – can't we, Jamie?'

'I'll go get it,' said James, wriggling out from underneath Carl and trotting off to the dining room.  He returned moments later with a box bearing the image of a tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, and tipped the contents out all over the floor.  He then went to the kitchen, peered inside and said, 'Chita, do you want to help build my t-rex?'

'Sorry, Jim, I'm busy,' said Conchita, who was now hanging over Beth's pan and applying her entire bodyweight to the potato masher.

'Okay,' said James, and went to rejoin his father, who was looking earnestly at the toy's instructions.

'Can I help?' Rose asked brightly.

'No, honey, it's complicated,' said Carl.  'You're too little.'

Rose scowled, and spent the next twenty minutes brutally dismantling Betty Spaghetty and friends while James and Carl constructed their dinosaur skeleton.  When they had finished, Carl sat back with a look of immense satisfaction on his face.

'He looks pretty good, doesn't he?' he said to James.  'Very fierce... probably died in a fight.'

'How do you know it's not a girl?' said Rose.

'Well,' said Carl, frowning slightly, 'I guess that's for Jamie to decide.  Which is it to be, son?'

'It's genderqueer,' James decided, and Carl looked at him with blank amazement.

At this point, Conchita came in from the kitchen and said, 'Uncle Carl, the cooking's gone wrong.'

Carl stood up, hurried to the kitchen and found black smoke billowing from the oven.  He stood and stared at it for a moment, then suddenly got a grip on himself and turned down the heat, pulled open the oven door and coughed as he was engulfed by the fumes.  The three children piled into the room behind him and watched, fascinated, as Carl picked up a tea towel and pulled a baking tray full of something black out of the oven.

'What was this?' he asked, frowning.

'I don't know,' said Conchita.  'Something to go with mashed potatoes.  I tried to finish mashing them, but I don't think I'm strong enough.'

Carl spotted Beth's pan and potato masher, and walked over to them.  When he peered into the pan, he saw a congealed mess of milk, butter and semi-mashed potatoes.

'You're not responsible for feeding the family, Chita,' he said ruefully.  'I am.'

'What are you going to feed us?' asked James.

'I don't know,' said Carl.  'Pizza, I guess.  Where are the take-out menus?'

'I'll get them,' said James, and wandered from the room with Conchita following.

'Do you know where anything is?' Rose asked Carl.

'Sure, one or two things,' he said.

'Daddy knows how to make lunch.'

'Does he?  Good for Daddy.  You do eat pizza, don't you, Rose?  You're not supposed to have special baby food or something?'

Rose looked outraged.  'Tío Carlos, tengo tres años.  Casi cuatro!'

'Lo siento mucho,' said Carl, with a small smile, as Rose stomped off to the living room with her chin in the air.
​An hour or so later, they were all sitting around the breakfast bar in the kitchen with a lot of empty pizza boxes.  Carl looked quite pleased with himself and James very replete, while Rose looked put out with Conchita vigorously wiping tomato sauce from around her mouth with a piece of kitchen paper.

'Okay,' said Carl, 'time to put on that video?'

'Let's have milkshakes with it,' said James.

'Milkshakes, huh?' said Carl, going over to the fridge and looking doubtfully inside.

'Home-made milkshakes,' said James.

'Home-made?' said Carl, horrified.

'It's easy, Uncle Carl,' said Conchita.  'You just put ice cream and milk in the blender.  Only, the ice cream's supposed to be soft when you blend it.'

'Well, that shouldn't take too long in this weather,' said Carl, going over to the freezer.  'How much?'

'Aunty Beth does three scoops each for me and James, and two for Rose,' said Conchita.

'Which is total crap,' said Rose, and Carl looked shocked to the core.

'You couldn't finish a three-scoop milkshake, Rosy,' said Conchita.  'You're too little.'

'I am not!' said Rose, clambering down from her stool and walking over to Carl.  'Make me a three-scoop milkshake, Uncle Carl – I can finish it!'

'All right, fine, I will,' Carl said wearily.  'So... you're saying I have to put nine scoops of ice cream in the blender?'  He looked doubtful.

'Mom makes them one at a time,' said James.  'It doesn't take long.  Then you can make different flavours if we want them.'

'I want cookie dough and I want three scoops,' said Rose.

'I guess I can do that,' said Carl, taking a tub of cookie dough ice cream out of the freezer.  'Now... where is that ice cream scoop?'

Conchita got down from her stool and found not only the ice cream scoop, but also a measuring jug into which she poured the correct quantity of milk.  She then fetched another tub of ice cream from the freezer, which she placed on the counter.  Meanwhile, looking as if he were handling a bomb, Carl poured the milk into the blender, then added three scoops of cookie dough ice cream.

'So,' he said, 'if I blend that, it'll turn into milkshake, right?'

'Yes,' Conchita said confidently.  'But let's give the ice cream a few minutes.'

After the few minutes had elapsed, Carl reached into the blender to give the topmost scoop of ice cream an experimental prod, looked satisfied and confidently deployed the blending mechanism.  The ice cream and milk concoction sprayed out of its container, splashing Carl and the ceiling and the kitchen surface with beige liquid, while Rose managed to get absolutely soaked in it.  She stood there in horrified silence while Conchita and James, both a safe distance away, laughed heartily.

'Mom always puts the lid on,' said James through his titters.

'I don't think this is funny actually,' said Rose, scowling all the way up at Carl.

'I'm sorry, Rose,' he said, looking mortified.  'We'd better get your clothes in the machine, and then I guess we'd better get you in the bathtub.'

'Remember to check the water temperature,' said Conchita.  'If it's too hot or too cold, that's child abuse.'

'Thank you, Chita,' said Carl, rather irritably, 'but I do actually know how to bathe a three year old.  Although... I never bathed a girl before.'

'You're going to now,' said Rose, and with that she took off all of her clothes right where she stood and thrust them into Carl's hands.

'Guess I am,' said Carl, looking slightly awkward for a moment, but then he pulled himself together and found the presence of mind to separate Rose's underwear from the rest, as it had escaped the milkshake explosion.  He then led her away, leaving Conchita and James in the messy kitchen.

'Maybe we should clean up,' said Conchita.

'No way!' said James.  'Dad'll have to do it.  Come on, I want to show you something.'  He crossed the room, picked up the measuring jug that the milk had been in and then led Conchita into the living room, saying, 'You know how whenever somebody spills a little bit of milk, Mom always has to clean it up right away because she says it'll turn into cheese?'

'Yeah,' said Conchita.

'Well, I wanted to know if that was true, so...' and he finished his explanation by tipping the measuring jug over the corner of one of the sofa cushions, waiting patiently while the tiny drop of milk that remained rolled down to the spout and fell onto the fabric.

Conchita laughed, amused and horrified.  'You are so bad!'

'I do that every time I have a glass of milk, in that same spot,' said James.

'No!'

'Do you think it's turning into cheese?'

'Yeah, I do,' Conchita tittered.  'I can see a stain from here!'

'You can?' said James, peering at his corner.  When he saw a tiny little off-white mark, he looked astonished.  'Oh wow, she was right!'  He scraped it with his fingernail.  'It's hard.'

'Yes, it would be, wouldn't it?' said Conchita.  'It's cheese!'

James continued to look amazed, then burst into guffaws.  'It's actually cheese!'

'Your mom'll be so mad!'

'She won't know I did it on purpose.  Hey, shall we make our own milkshakes?'

'Sure,' said Conchita, and headed back towards the kitchen.  'The ice cream'll be really soft by now.'

'Yeah.  If we put it back in the freezer, it'll get lumps of ice in it.'

'We'd better use it all, then.'

'Yeah,' said James, 'we'll have to.'
​Some minutes later, Rose was sitting in the bath and Carl was kneeling beside it, directing water from the handheld shower over her head.

'Temperature still okay?' he asked.  'It can change unexpectedly, so watch out.'

'It's fine,' said Rose.

'This is more hair than I'm used to washing.'

'Daddy's good at washing my hair.  He never gets shampoo in my eyes.'

'Can Daddy make perfect milkshakes too?' said Carl.

'No one makes milkshakes at our house,' said Rose.  'But he can use a blender.'

'Of course he can.  Now, I'm going to put on the shampoo, so keep your eyes really tight shut, okay?'

'Okay.'

'And your mouth.'

Rose clamped her lips together and screwed her eyes up very tightly.  Carl put down the shower and reached for a bottle of kids' shampoo, squirted a generous amount onto his hand and massaged it into Rose's scalp.  The top of her head was no bigger than his palm, and she found herself being shaken about rather violently, keeping her eyes and mouth tight shut the entire time.

'Now,' said Carl, 'keep your head well back.'

He tipped her chin up with one hand, and with the other he picked up the shower and began the process of rinsing.  All the shampoo obediently followed the water down the slope of Rose's hair, well away from her face, and Carl began to look much more confident.  This came to an abrupt end, however, when Rose, still with her eyes shut, suddenly announced, 'It's gone too hot.'

In a frenzy of alarm, Carl withdrew the shower from her head and dropped it onto the floor, where it writhed like a snake and sprayed the walls, the floor, the ceiling, the towels, James's collection of bath toys and Carl himself with hot water.  Attracted by the noise, Rose at last opened her eyes, and laughed hysterically until a stray cluster of shampoo bubbles rolled down her forehead and into her left eye.  The laughter stopped at once, and she let out a high-pitched wail.  Carl grabbed a wetted towel and hastened towards her, leaving the shower to its own devices.
​James and Conchita were sitting on James's bed, each with a milkshake-smeared glass left carelessly beside them to leak onto the bedclothes, and each holding a white mouse.

'How can you tell the difference?' Conchita asked, giggling as her mouse scurried up her sleeve.

'Gordon has darker eyes,' said James.  'They're almost black, but Henry's are pink.'  He picked up the mouse that was not in Conchita's clothing, and thrust it in her face.  'See?  Pink like your pants.'

'Oh yeah,' said Conchita.  'Hey, you know what else?  I think Henry has bigger nuts.'

James burst out laughing.  'Chita!'

'What?  It's true – look,' and she began scrabbling about in her clothes until she was able to retrieve Gordon the mouse.  The two children then each held a mouse up in front of them with back legs dangling, and peered at their testicles.  This was what they were doing when Carl came in.

'Oh,' he said, 'you got the mice out.  Jamie, are you sure Chita likes the mice?'

'Chita loves the mice,' said Conchita, taking Gordon to her chest and stroking him tenderly with one finger.  Then she looked at Carl.  'Why are you all wet?'

'It happens when you're bathing a child,' Carl said irritably.  'You can't tell me your parents don't get any of your bathwater on them.'

'Not as much as that,' said Conchita.

'You don't normally get that much on you either, Dad,' said James.

'Yes, well,' said Carl, 'I'm going to change my clothes in a minute.  I thought maybe you'd like to help me out by finding something for Rose to wear.'

'Ooh, dressing up!' Conchita said brightly, and she charged over to James's wardrobe while Rose wandered about on the landing outside, dripping soapy water all over the place.
​It was coming up to half past five when Kylie let herself into the house.  She went to the living room, where she found James and Conchita watching Thomas and the Magic Railroad on the sofa, while Rose sat on the floor putting Betty Spaghetty and friends back together.  She was wearing a vastly oversized Spiderman T-shirt as a dress.

'Hi, guys,' said Kylie.  She went to give Conchita a hug, which was warmly returned, while James looked peeved and pointedly turned up the volume on the television.  Kylie then went over to Rose, knelt down and hugged her tightly.  'Hello, sweetheart.  Why'd you need a change of clothes – is everything all right?'

'Uncle Carl got milkshake all over me,' said Rose.

'He did, huh?' said Kylie, laughing.  'What was Aunty Beth doing at the time?'

'She's not here.  She had to go see her mom.'

'Why?'

'Something's wrong with her.'

'Oh... well, that's bad news.'

Kylie, looking concerned, dropped a kiss on Rose's head before going into the kitchen in search of Carl.  She found him mopping the ceiling.

'Hi, Carl,' she said.

'Oh, hi,' said Carl.  'Beth's not here – I've been taking care of all three of them by myself.  I didn't do it very well, but nobody got hurt or anything... unless you count a little shampoo in the eye.  I even managed to wash Rose's clothes – they're hanging up outside.  At least I got something right today.'

'I'm sure you did fine,' said Kylie.  'I've never taken care of all three of them by myself before – it can't be easy.  Okay, so Beth does it all the time, but she has superpowers.'

'She does,' said Carl, 'but I shouldn't have found it that difficult.  They're good kids.  All right, Rose can be kind of obstinate, but that's all; it's not like they want to hurt each other or smash up the house or anything.  In fact, I was the one messing up the kitchen and the bathroom!'

'Well,' said Kylie, 'the kitchen looks fine now.'

'Really?' Carl said hopefully.  'You don't think there's water coming through from upstairs?'

'Um...'  Kylie looked up.  'I think it's just a little damp where you've been mopping.'

Carl looked too and said, 'Yeah... I guess you're right.'

'So listen, what's wrong with Beth's mother?  Have you heard anything?'

'It was a stroke.  Beth called about an hour ago; she said the stroke wasn't a big one, and her dad got her mom to the hospital quickly.  They don't think there'll be a lot of lasting damage... they don't know if there'll be a little.'

'Poor Beth,' said Kylie.  'Give her my love when she calls again.'

'I will if she does call,' said Carl, 'but she said she'd be back tomorrow night.  Was she supposed to have the girls tomorrow?  I can't, and I can't have James either; I'm supposed to be sitting my sergeant's exam in the afternoon.'

'Oh yeah, I remember,' said Kylie.  'You probably wanted to spend the day cramming, didn't you?'

'I don't know about that,' said Carl.  'I should know it all by now, and I think I do.  Actually, I think worrying about the kids all day helped me to not worry about the exam.'

'Then there's the silver lining, I guess,' said Kylie.  'So what do you want to do about tomorrow?  I'll have to arrange something last-minute for the girls... I can call my dad, or if necessary Eduardo can take a day off work without notice, so... do you need whichever one it is to take care of James?  I'm sure it won't be a problem.'

'I hope I don't have to ask your dad to take care of my son,' said Carl.  'I mean, I get on with Steve when I see him, but... well, you know.  I wish Kevin would get home so I can ask if he's available.  He'll definitely take James if he can, and maybe your two as well.  He's great with the kids – maybe even as good as Beth.  He'd do a much better job than I've been doing.'

'Now, stop that,' said Kylie.  'It's not easy looking after three small children at all, and like you said, they're all still in one piece.'

'Sure, you're right, I guess.'

'So, the next thing on your agenda must be James's dinner, right?'

'Oh... yeah,' said Carl, looking completely lost.  'I can't order pizza for him twice in one day... can I?'

Kylie sighed and said, 'Tell you what: me and the girls could stay for a while, and I'll help you make something for all five of us.  Maybe Kevin'll get home before we're done, then we can go up and ask him about tomorrow.'

'Good plan,' said Carl, and he smiled gratefully at her.  'Thanks, Kylie.'

She smiled reassuringly back.  'No problem, Carl.'