Kevin and Oscar: Snapshots Episode 5: Q-and-A
Written by Jake Collins
Oscar emerged from the bathroom, dressed in men's pyjamas, to see that his mother was looking through the open door of his bedroom. As he mooched along the landing towards her, she turned to face him.
'Honey, you won't stay up watching YouTube videos all night, will you?' said Dana. 'Don't forget you have school tomorrow.'
'I'll go to bed real soon, Mom,' said Oscar. 'I just want to watch a couple more, to help me settle.'
Oscar went into his room, sat down at his desk, stared at the paused image on his computer screen, then reached out and clicked the mouse.
'All right, what's going on, guys,' the image of Kevin said to him, 'it's Kev back again here to bring you another video. This one's gonna be doing my latest Buffyverse throwback review, and we're up to episode twenty-two of Buffy season five, “The Gift”.'
Oscar smiled contentedly, and settled back in his chair.
'Honey, you won't stay up watching YouTube videos all night, will you?' said Dana. 'Don't forget you have school tomorrow.'
'I'll go to bed real soon, Mom,' said Oscar. 'I just want to watch a couple more, to help me settle.'
Oscar went into his room, sat down at his desk, stared at the paused image on his computer screen, then reached out and clicked the mouse.
'All right, what's going on, guys,' the image of Kevin said to him, 'it's Kev back again here to bring you another video. This one's gonna be doing my latest Buffyverse throwback review, and we're up to episode twenty-two of Buffy season five, “The Gift”.'
Oscar smiled contentedly, and settled back in his chair.
'So in conclusion,' Kevin told his viewers, 'this is a pretty good episode and a really exciting end to the season, although it suffers a little from having a bunch of pointless pre-apocalypse talk between the characters, which can get kinda boring. It's a great episode for Spike – kinda seems to me like he should've earned his soul back already, but I guess souls just don't work that way in the Buffyverse – and the ending with Buffy and Dawn is really well done... plus I guess it'd be kinda emotional if you didn't know she was gonna come back to life in the next season. And before you guys start complaining about spoilers, this stuff is over four years old and there are two more seasons still to come, so... come on, you didn't really expect Buffy to stay dead, did you?
'In terms of a score, I'm giving this episode an eight point five out of ten – it's not the best season finale, but it does its job pretty well even though it's a little slow in places. So, I guess that's another throwback review out of the way. I'll be back soon with my throwback review for the season two finale of Angel, “There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb”. I'm actually looking forward to watching that one 'cause I can't remember how Lorne manages to get his head reattached to his body, so we'll just have to wait and see how that goes. Also, I should have my Q-and-A video posted later today – so that'll be before I do the next review – and that's just a little thank-you to you guys for my channel hitting a hundred subscribers earlier this week. So come back and see me for that, won't you? Later.'
The video stopped, and Oscar clicked the mouse again. He saw that Kevin's Q-and-A video had appeared in the channel's content list since he had left for the bathroom, so he moved his cursor to click on it.
'Why do you want to watch him on YouTube? You spend all your time with him in real life.'
Oscar turned to find Jessica hovering just behind him.
'I find his videos interesting,' said Oscar.
'But you never even watched Buffy,' said Jessica.
'Kevin's been showing me his DVDs,' said Oscar. 'It's a pretty good show. Well, you used to like it, didn't you?'
'I watched the last few seasons and I liked them okay,' said Jessica. 'But I don't believe that's the real reason you're watching Kevin's videos. You just like looking at his face, don't you?'
'I do like looking at his face... and hearing his voice. And I think what he says is intelligent and informative.'
'Even though it's all about a TV show you never used to watch?'
'The way he talks about it is really engaging.'
'Oh, I see,' said Jessica, grinning. 'Why don't you just marry the guy?'
'Because it's not legally possible,' said Oscar. 'Not yet, anyway. And we haven't really talked about that kind of thing... which is fine, 'cause there's plenty of time to do it.'
'Oh,' said Jessica, 'you really do want to marry him, huh?'
'Someday, somehow... yes, I do,' said Oscar.
'I didn't mean to make fun of you,' said Jessica. 'I'm sorry.'
'That's okay,' said Oscar. 'Can you leave me alone now so I can watch the Q-and-A video?'
'Can I watch it too? I don't mind standing.'
'Why do you want to watch it?'
'I want to see if it's interesting... and I want to see how engaging Kevin really is. You don't have a problem with me watching it, right? You weren't planning on jacking off to it, were you?'
'Jess, jeez!'
'Sorry,' said Jessica, giggling. 'So, can I watch it with you?'
'Okay,' said Oscar, smiling slightly, 'let's go for it.'
'In terms of a score, I'm giving this episode an eight point five out of ten – it's not the best season finale, but it does its job pretty well even though it's a little slow in places. So, I guess that's another throwback review out of the way. I'll be back soon with my throwback review for the season two finale of Angel, “There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb”. I'm actually looking forward to watching that one 'cause I can't remember how Lorne manages to get his head reattached to his body, so we'll just have to wait and see how that goes. Also, I should have my Q-and-A video posted later today – so that'll be before I do the next review – and that's just a little thank-you to you guys for my channel hitting a hundred subscribers earlier this week. So come back and see me for that, won't you? Later.'
The video stopped, and Oscar clicked the mouse again. He saw that Kevin's Q-and-A video had appeared in the channel's content list since he had left for the bathroom, so he moved his cursor to click on it.
'Why do you want to watch him on YouTube? You spend all your time with him in real life.'
Oscar turned to find Jessica hovering just behind him.
'I find his videos interesting,' said Oscar.
'But you never even watched Buffy,' said Jessica.
'Kevin's been showing me his DVDs,' said Oscar. 'It's a pretty good show. Well, you used to like it, didn't you?'
'I watched the last few seasons and I liked them okay,' said Jessica. 'But I don't believe that's the real reason you're watching Kevin's videos. You just like looking at his face, don't you?'
'I do like looking at his face... and hearing his voice. And I think what he says is intelligent and informative.'
'Even though it's all about a TV show you never used to watch?'
'The way he talks about it is really engaging.'
'Oh, I see,' said Jessica, grinning. 'Why don't you just marry the guy?'
'Because it's not legally possible,' said Oscar. 'Not yet, anyway. And we haven't really talked about that kind of thing... which is fine, 'cause there's plenty of time to do it.'
'Oh,' said Jessica, 'you really do want to marry him, huh?'
'Someday, somehow... yes, I do,' said Oscar.
'I didn't mean to make fun of you,' said Jessica. 'I'm sorry.'
'That's okay,' said Oscar. 'Can you leave me alone now so I can watch the Q-and-A video?'
'Can I watch it too? I don't mind standing.'
'Why do you want to watch it?'
'I want to see if it's interesting... and I want to see how engaging Kevin really is. You don't have a problem with me watching it, right? You weren't planning on jacking off to it, were you?'
'Jess, jeez!'
'Sorry,' said Jessica, giggling. 'So, can I watch it with you?'
'Okay,' said Oscar, smiling slightly, 'let's go for it.'
'All right, what's going on, guys, it's Kev back again here to bring you another video. This one's gonna be doing my first ever Q-and-A video, to celebrate my channel hitting a hundred subscribers with my Buffy throwback review videos.'
'He says “video” too often,' Jessica remarked.
'This is a question from one of my earliest subscribers, Miss Kitty Fantastico,' said Kevin. 'She left me a message to ask, How old are you, Kev? Are you still at school? Or do you go to college? Or do you have a job? The answer to that is, I'm currently eighteen years old and I'm no longer at school – I finished the twelfth grade in June this year. I'm not attending any kind of college at the moment, but I'm gonna go back and do some kind of medical training in a little over a year. Before that I'm gonna be doing some travelling, but that won't be 'til the summer. In the meantime, I have a couple of jobs – I'm a senior busboy at a local restaurant, I volunteer at the children's hospital, and I also have another part-time job that I can't really tell you about, but it's in the area of... pest control services, I guess you could say. So there you go, Miss Kitty Fantastico – I think that answers your question pretty fully.
'Okay, so the next question is from a subscriber named Xander's Missing Eye,' Kevin continued. 'Who is your favourite Buffyverse character? That's a great question, Xander's Missing Eye. I'm gonna have to say Spike, ever since he came back in the fourth season of Buffy. I just love how funny and sarcastic and observant he is, and the really great thing is that he's always the same character whether he has a soul or not – completely the opposite of Angel – and he's never afraid to tell the other characters what he thinks about them, and all the different ways they're being stupid. I guess he really started doing that when he came back in season three – the “Lovers' Walk” episode – and Joss obviously realised he'd be a great addition to the gang, so first he had to have the chip in his head, then he had to fall in love with Buffy, and then he had to get his soul back. I've never exactly shipped Spike and Buffy by the way, but I think it makes sense to include that development in the show, with the journey they're trying to take Spike on, and... yeah, it works. So, Spike is my answer to that one.
'And that leads us nicely on to a question from Spike's Spike – another Spike fan there, I'm guessing. Kev, are you Mexican? My mom keeps saying you're Mexican but I keep telling her you're not because you sound American. I'm not actually Mexican, but my paternal grandparents were Mexican, so I guess you and your mom are both kinda right, Spike's Spike. My dad was born in the USA, so I guess I'm third generation. And just in case you're wondering, I do speak fluent Spanish; I picked up a bunch of it when I was really young and then I honed my skills by taking Spanish class at junior high, but we don't really talk Spanish around the house. By the way, not all Hispanic people are actually Mexican, but it just so happens my dad's family is. And my mom's family is from Wisconsin.
'Okay, next question. Anya's Ring wants to know, Do you or did you ever have a thing for Buffy and/or Sarah Michelle Gellar? Ha-ha, well... yes, I did used to have a thing for Buffy and Sarah Michelle Gellar, but I don't now. I couldn't really help it – I turned ten just after the first season of Buffy ended, and then when season two came around a couple of months later I was starting to go through a bunch of changes, and I kept on watching Buffy running around in her tight shirts and... well, stuff inevitably started to happen. When I was on my own in my room I used to find myself thinking about Buffy a whole lot, and that was how I first... er, well, I think I'm over-sharing now. But yeah, I had a big thing for her when I was ten and eleven... but by the time I was twelve I'd kinda moved on, and I was getting interested in... well, other people.'
'Is he talking about you?' Jessica giggled.
'I hope so,' said Oscar.
'Here's a question from Dawn's Raisins,' Kevin continued. 'Kev, do you work out? How big are you? No, Dawn's Raisins, I don't work out, but I come from a long line of beefy law enforcers. As for how big I am... well, if you're asking how tall I am, I'm about six foot three. If you're asking how built I am, you can pretty much see for yourself... hold on, I'll roll up my sleeves.'
Oscar frowned slightly, experiencing a stab of possessive jealousy as Kevin flexed for the camera, but his expression quickly changed to a smile as he realised that he couldn't help enjoying the exhibition as well.
'There you go,' Kevin grinned, rolling his sleeves back down. 'I have to admit, I've always been a big fan of arm-wrestling... mostly because I'm really hard to beat.'
'You're impossible to beat,' Oscar told the screen.
'He can't hear you,' said Jessica, laughing.
'And if you're asking anything else about how big I am, Dawn's Raisins, I'm not going to tell you and you should be ashamed of yourself,' said Kevin, still grinning broadly. 'Okay, next question. Principal's Wood asks, When Angel first started, everyone was saying it was better than Buffy. Do you agree? This one is a little complicated to answer, Principal's Wood. I agree that Angel was better than Buffy at the time Angel started, 'cause Buffy season four is a low point in the whole series for me – the Initiative is pretty stupid and it's always annoyed me how the established characters don't have a regular base – whereas Angel is probably at its very best in the first season, so yeah, it was better at that particular time. If we're looking at both series overall, though, I don't agree with that statement. I think Angel gets progressively worse all the way up to season four – which suffers badly with all that Jasmine crap, by the way – and then season five is a big improvement until they found out they got cancelled and totally ruined it with Illyria and everything. So yeah, Principal's Wood, I think that piece of analysis is too reactionary and doesn't take the shows as whole things into account, so I don't really agree with it although I can understand why people were saying it at the time.
'The next question comes from Riley's Sponge... oh no, sorry – Riley's Spooge. Ew... yeah, thanks for that image. Do you have a girlfriend? Or maybe a boyfriend? The answer to that is – yes, I do. Finally, here's a question from Willow's Ginger Rug. Where do you live and who do you live with? Where do I live? The answer to that is New York City, and that's all the details you're gonna get. Who do I live with? My mom and my dad and my little brother James, who's coming up on sixteen months old. He's reached the stage where he's always wandering around the house trying to get his hands on everything he can find, so we have to watch out for him.'
'He didn't answer that girlfriend or boyfriend question properly,' said Jessica.
'So, I guess that brings my first ever Q-and-A video to an end,' said Kevin. 'Thanks for watching, guys, and I hope you enjoyed it. I'll be back probably tomorrow with my throwback review video for the second half of the Angel season two finale, so er... hopefully you'll come back for that. Oh, and before I wrap up I just want to give a big shout-out to my buds Lucy and Jandro in Nottingham, England. Guys, I love you and I miss you and I'm heartbroken you're not coming home for Christmas and I really hope I can come see you soon. Later.'
The video came to an end. Oscar started closing down his computer.
'I need to get to bed now, Jess,' he said. 'We both do.'
'He should've mentioned your name,' said Jessica, 'or at least said if you were a girl or a boy.'
'He probably wanted to keep his love life private,' said Oscar.
'So why did he include the question in the first place?'
'I guess to make it clear to his subscribers that he's unavailable and they shouldn't start asking him out in the comments.'
'I hope he didn't want to hide the fact that he's gay,' said Jessica. 'I mean, that'd be a shame, wouldn't it?'
'He didn't specifically say he wasn't gay,' said Oscar. 'He just wanted to keep it private.'
'He didn't want to keep anything else private, though, did he?' Jessica persisted. 'He even told us the exact time he started touching himself, accurate to within about a month! And he was perfectly happy to mention Lucy and Jandro by name... so why not you?'
'You need to go back to your own room now, Jess,' said Oscar. 'It's getting late, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.'
Jessica gave Oscar a watery smile, then she left the room. Oscar turned off his computer monitor and got into bed.
'He says “video” too often,' Jessica remarked.
'This is a question from one of my earliest subscribers, Miss Kitty Fantastico,' said Kevin. 'She left me a message to ask, How old are you, Kev? Are you still at school? Or do you go to college? Or do you have a job? The answer to that is, I'm currently eighteen years old and I'm no longer at school – I finished the twelfth grade in June this year. I'm not attending any kind of college at the moment, but I'm gonna go back and do some kind of medical training in a little over a year. Before that I'm gonna be doing some travelling, but that won't be 'til the summer. In the meantime, I have a couple of jobs – I'm a senior busboy at a local restaurant, I volunteer at the children's hospital, and I also have another part-time job that I can't really tell you about, but it's in the area of... pest control services, I guess you could say. So there you go, Miss Kitty Fantastico – I think that answers your question pretty fully.
'Okay, so the next question is from a subscriber named Xander's Missing Eye,' Kevin continued. 'Who is your favourite Buffyverse character? That's a great question, Xander's Missing Eye. I'm gonna have to say Spike, ever since he came back in the fourth season of Buffy. I just love how funny and sarcastic and observant he is, and the really great thing is that he's always the same character whether he has a soul or not – completely the opposite of Angel – and he's never afraid to tell the other characters what he thinks about them, and all the different ways they're being stupid. I guess he really started doing that when he came back in season three – the “Lovers' Walk” episode – and Joss obviously realised he'd be a great addition to the gang, so first he had to have the chip in his head, then he had to fall in love with Buffy, and then he had to get his soul back. I've never exactly shipped Spike and Buffy by the way, but I think it makes sense to include that development in the show, with the journey they're trying to take Spike on, and... yeah, it works. So, Spike is my answer to that one.
'And that leads us nicely on to a question from Spike's Spike – another Spike fan there, I'm guessing. Kev, are you Mexican? My mom keeps saying you're Mexican but I keep telling her you're not because you sound American. I'm not actually Mexican, but my paternal grandparents were Mexican, so I guess you and your mom are both kinda right, Spike's Spike. My dad was born in the USA, so I guess I'm third generation. And just in case you're wondering, I do speak fluent Spanish; I picked up a bunch of it when I was really young and then I honed my skills by taking Spanish class at junior high, but we don't really talk Spanish around the house. By the way, not all Hispanic people are actually Mexican, but it just so happens my dad's family is. And my mom's family is from Wisconsin.
'Okay, next question. Anya's Ring wants to know, Do you or did you ever have a thing for Buffy and/or Sarah Michelle Gellar? Ha-ha, well... yes, I did used to have a thing for Buffy and Sarah Michelle Gellar, but I don't now. I couldn't really help it – I turned ten just after the first season of Buffy ended, and then when season two came around a couple of months later I was starting to go through a bunch of changes, and I kept on watching Buffy running around in her tight shirts and... well, stuff inevitably started to happen. When I was on my own in my room I used to find myself thinking about Buffy a whole lot, and that was how I first... er, well, I think I'm over-sharing now. But yeah, I had a big thing for her when I was ten and eleven... but by the time I was twelve I'd kinda moved on, and I was getting interested in... well, other people.'
'Is he talking about you?' Jessica giggled.
'I hope so,' said Oscar.
'Here's a question from Dawn's Raisins,' Kevin continued. 'Kev, do you work out? How big are you? No, Dawn's Raisins, I don't work out, but I come from a long line of beefy law enforcers. As for how big I am... well, if you're asking how tall I am, I'm about six foot three. If you're asking how built I am, you can pretty much see for yourself... hold on, I'll roll up my sleeves.'
Oscar frowned slightly, experiencing a stab of possessive jealousy as Kevin flexed for the camera, but his expression quickly changed to a smile as he realised that he couldn't help enjoying the exhibition as well.
'There you go,' Kevin grinned, rolling his sleeves back down. 'I have to admit, I've always been a big fan of arm-wrestling... mostly because I'm really hard to beat.'
'You're impossible to beat,' Oscar told the screen.
'He can't hear you,' said Jessica, laughing.
'And if you're asking anything else about how big I am, Dawn's Raisins, I'm not going to tell you and you should be ashamed of yourself,' said Kevin, still grinning broadly. 'Okay, next question. Principal's Wood asks, When Angel first started, everyone was saying it was better than Buffy. Do you agree? This one is a little complicated to answer, Principal's Wood. I agree that Angel was better than Buffy at the time Angel started, 'cause Buffy season four is a low point in the whole series for me – the Initiative is pretty stupid and it's always annoyed me how the established characters don't have a regular base – whereas Angel is probably at its very best in the first season, so yeah, it was better at that particular time. If we're looking at both series overall, though, I don't agree with that statement. I think Angel gets progressively worse all the way up to season four – which suffers badly with all that Jasmine crap, by the way – and then season five is a big improvement until they found out they got cancelled and totally ruined it with Illyria and everything. So yeah, Principal's Wood, I think that piece of analysis is too reactionary and doesn't take the shows as whole things into account, so I don't really agree with it although I can understand why people were saying it at the time.
'The next question comes from Riley's Sponge... oh no, sorry – Riley's Spooge. Ew... yeah, thanks for that image. Do you have a girlfriend? Or maybe a boyfriend? The answer to that is – yes, I do. Finally, here's a question from Willow's Ginger Rug. Where do you live and who do you live with? Where do I live? The answer to that is New York City, and that's all the details you're gonna get. Who do I live with? My mom and my dad and my little brother James, who's coming up on sixteen months old. He's reached the stage where he's always wandering around the house trying to get his hands on everything he can find, so we have to watch out for him.'
'He didn't answer that girlfriend or boyfriend question properly,' said Jessica.
'So, I guess that brings my first ever Q-and-A video to an end,' said Kevin. 'Thanks for watching, guys, and I hope you enjoyed it. I'll be back probably tomorrow with my throwback review video for the second half of the Angel season two finale, so er... hopefully you'll come back for that. Oh, and before I wrap up I just want to give a big shout-out to my buds Lucy and Jandro in Nottingham, England. Guys, I love you and I miss you and I'm heartbroken you're not coming home for Christmas and I really hope I can come see you soon. Later.'
The video came to an end. Oscar started closing down his computer.
'I need to get to bed now, Jess,' he said. 'We both do.'
'He should've mentioned your name,' said Jessica, 'or at least said if you were a girl or a boy.'
'He probably wanted to keep his love life private,' said Oscar.
'So why did he include the question in the first place?'
'I guess to make it clear to his subscribers that he's unavailable and they shouldn't start asking him out in the comments.'
'I hope he didn't want to hide the fact that he's gay,' said Jessica. 'I mean, that'd be a shame, wouldn't it?'
'He didn't specifically say he wasn't gay,' said Oscar. 'He just wanted to keep it private.'
'He didn't want to keep anything else private, though, did he?' Jessica persisted. 'He even told us the exact time he started touching himself, accurate to within about a month! And he was perfectly happy to mention Lucy and Jandro by name... so why not you?'
'You need to go back to your own room now, Jess,' said Oscar. 'It's getting late, and I don't want to talk about this anymore.'
Jessica gave Oscar a watery smile, then she left the room. Oscar turned off his computer monitor and got into bed.
As soon as he got out of school the following afternoon, Oscar went to the mall and headed for Tom's Mexican Salsa Hut. Kevin was clearing tables on the plaza outside; he looked up as Oscar approached, and adopted a smile that showed both pleasure and surprise.
'Oh, hey,' said Kevin. 'I wasn't expecting you.'
'I came to surprise you,' said Oscar. 'So, surprise!'
Kevin laughed, and smacked him on the arm.
'I have to get these tables cleared,' said Kevin, 'but I'm off in twenty minutes if you want to do something.'
'Yeah,' said Oscar, 'I want to ask you a question. Is it okay if I ask you outright, or should I wait for your next Q-and-A video?'
Kevin laughed again.
'You're such a goof-ball,' he told Oscar. 'Do you want to wait for me on that bench by the escalator? I'll come over and join you as soon as I can.'
'Okay,' said Oscar.
'Oh, hey,' said Kevin. 'I wasn't expecting you.'
'I came to surprise you,' said Oscar. 'So, surprise!'
Kevin laughed, and smacked him on the arm.
'I have to get these tables cleared,' said Kevin, 'but I'm off in twenty minutes if you want to do something.'
'Yeah,' said Oscar, 'I want to ask you a question. Is it okay if I ask you outright, or should I wait for your next Q-and-A video?'
Kevin laughed again.
'You're such a goof-ball,' he told Oscar. 'Do you want to wait for me on that bench by the escalator? I'll come over and join you as soon as I can.'
'Okay,' said Oscar.
Oscar was sucking on a Burger King milkshake when Kevin came to sit next to him, still dressed in his busboy getup.
'So,' said Kevin, 'what's your question?'
'I, er... I watched your Q-and-A video last night,' said Oscar.
'Yeah, I kinda worked that out for myself,' said Kevin.
'I can't believe you used to have a thing for Sarah Michelle Gellar!' said Oscar. 'She always looked really weird to me. I always thought going to bed with her would be like screwing an Oil of Olay factory.'
Kevin burst into peals of laughter, and ruffled Oscar's luxuriant hair to within an inch of its life.
'Like I said in the video, it was a hormonal thing,' said Kevin. 'Yes, I used to jack off to her when I was ten, but believe me, you've got nothing to be jealous of. And you haven't actually asked me your question yet.'
'Okay; here's my question,' said Oscar. 'Why didn't you go into any details when you answered the girlfriend or boyfriend question?'
'Because I don't really want my subscribers to know any details. I just wanted to stop people writing pervy things in my comments sections.'
'Do they do that?'
'Sometimes, yeah. Kev, you can suck my blood anytime and Kev, my friends and I were just wondering if we could see your donger and stuff like that. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm taken.'
'Why didn't you mention my name?'
'Because I didn't think you'd want me to,' said Kevin.
'I... I wouldn't have minded,' said Oscar. 'And to be honest, I thought it would've been okay if you... well, if you at least mentioned my gender.'
'Oh... oh, wow. Did it come across like I wanted to hide the fact that I'm in a same-sex relationship?'
'Um, well... I thought it kinda could be construed that way, yeah... by people who know you are, I mean.'
'I'd have answered the question exactly the same way if I was in a heterosexual relationship.'
'Yeah, I know you would... and I know it shouldn't be an issue... but even so, I couldn't help feeling like it might be.'
'Okay,' said Kevin, 'so let's do something about that. Do you want to come back to my place and make a video right now?'
'Sure,' Oscar grinned.
'So,' said Kevin, 'what's your question?'
'I, er... I watched your Q-and-A video last night,' said Oscar.
'Yeah, I kinda worked that out for myself,' said Kevin.
'I can't believe you used to have a thing for Sarah Michelle Gellar!' said Oscar. 'She always looked really weird to me. I always thought going to bed with her would be like screwing an Oil of Olay factory.'
Kevin burst into peals of laughter, and ruffled Oscar's luxuriant hair to within an inch of its life.
'Like I said in the video, it was a hormonal thing,' said Kevin. 'Yes, I used to jack off to her when I was ten, but believe me, you've got nothing to be jealous of. And you haven't actually asked me your question yet.'
'Okay; here's my question,' said Oscar. 'Why didn't you go into any details when you answered the girlfriend or boyfriend question?'
'Because I don't really want my subscribers to know any details. I just wanted to stop people writing pervy things in my comments sections.'
'Do they do that?'
'Sometimes, yeah. Kev, you can suck my blood anytime and Kev, my friends and I were just wondering if we could see your donger and stuff like that. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm taken.'
'Why didn't you mention my name?'
'Because I didn't think you'd want me to,' said Kevin.
'I... I wouldn't have minded,' said Oscar. 'And to be honest, I thought it would've been okay if you... well, if you at least mentioned my gender.'
'Oh... oh, wow. Did it come across like I wanted to hide the fact that I'm in a same-sex relationship?'
'Um, well... I thought it kinda could be construed that way, yeah... by people who know you are, I mean.'
'I'd have answered the question exactly the same way if I was in a heterosexual relationship.'
'Yeah, I know you would... and I know it shouldn't be an issue... but even so, I couldn't help feeling like it might be.'
'Okay,' said Kevin, 'so let's do something about that. Do you want to come back to my place and make a video right now?'
'Sure,' Oscar grinned.
Oscar sat on the bed and watched as Kevin took off his busboy getup, slipped on a T-shirt and a pair of casual trousers, sat in his swivel chair, booted up his computer, adjusted his webcam, logged on to his YouTube account, set up a new video to record, gave his microphone a quick test, turned around and patted his lap.
'Come here and sit down,' he said.
'On your lap?' said Oscar.
'Yes,' said Kevin.
'Those desk chairs aren't built to support two people at once.'
'It'll be fine.'
Oscar crossed the room and sat on Kevin's lap. Kevin slipped his left arm around Oscar, and used his right arm to manipulate the mouse.
'Three, two, one,' said Kevin. 'All right, what's going on, guys, it's Kev back again here to bring you another video. This one's gonna be doing a video addendum to my Q-and-A video, 'cause it's been brought to my attention that I didn't answer one of the questions fully. So, just to make everything perfectly clear, this is Oscar and he's my boyfriend. Do you want to say hi to my subscribers, man?'
'Er... hi,' said Oscar.
'Tell them how long we've been together,' said Kevin.
'Two years, almost exactly,' said Oscar.
'Do you want to tell them anything about yourself?'
'I'm in the twelfth grade at school and I'm a musician – I play the guitar and I sing too. I didn't watch Buffy when it was first on TV, but I've been getting into it recently.'
'So, there you have it,' said Kevin. 'Oscar may not be an avid Buffy fan, but he's gorgeous and wonderful and I love him.'
Oscar turned to look into Kevin's eyes and said, 'I love you too.'
Two seconds later they were kissing frantically, as the swivel chair buckled and creaked under the strain.
'Come here and sit down,' he said.
'On your lap?' said Oscar.
'Yes,' said Kevin.
'Those desk chairs aren't built to support two people at once.'
'It'll be fine.'
Oscar crossed the room and sat on Kevin's lap. Kevin slipped his left arm around Oscar, and used his right arm to manipulate the mouse.
'Three, two, one,' said Kevin. 'All right, what's going on, guys, it's Kev back again here to bring you another video. This one's gonna be doing a video addendum to my Q-and-A video, 'cause it's been brought to my attention that I didn't answer one of the questions fully. So, just to make everything perfectly clear, this is Oscar and he's my boyfriend. Do you want to say hi to my subscribers, man?'
'Er... hi,' said Oscar.
'Tell them how long we've been together,' said Kevin.
'Two years, almost exactly,' said Oscar.
'Do you want to tell them anything about yourself?'
'I'm in the twelfth grade at school and I'm a musician – I play the guitar and I sing too. I didn't watch Buffy when it was first on TV, but I've been getting into it recently.'
'So, there you have it,' said Kevin. 'Oscar may not be an avid Buffy fan, but he's gorgeous and wonderful and I love him.'
Oscar turned to look into Kevin's eyes and said, 'I love you too.'
Two seconds later they were kissing frantically, as the swivel chair buckled and creaked under the strain.
'Jesus,' said Oscar, as he sat down on Kevin's bed and started to pull his trousers back on, 'I don't think that chair will ever be the same.'
'I can get a new chair,' said Kevin. 'In fact I think I'll bring down one of the old dining room chairs from the attic – they're much better than this flimsy thing. Oh my God, the webcam was recording us that whole time!'
'Ha-ha, yeah, I guess it was,' said Oscar. 'Never mind – you weren't doing a live webcast or anything, were you?'
'No, but we have to delete the footage as quickly as possible!' said Kevin. 'Jesus, leaked sex tapes can ruin people's lives! I don't want there to be a Kevin and Oscar sex tape in the world!'
'I don't think it'd be likely to become a huge online sensation, would it?'
'Maybe not, but we'd probably end up on a bunch of porn sites! And just think how embarrassing it could be if you become a famous musician and someone finds the video and recognises you – it'll be all over CNN in no time!'
'Then I'll tell CNN that I have nothing to be ashamed of and we're still together,' Oscar said firmly.
Kevin smiled at him; Oscar smiled back.
'I still think it's best to delete the footage,' said Kevin. 'Let's wrap up the video, then we can go back and cut out the sexual part. Come and sit on my lap again.'
'Aren't you gonna put your pants back on first?'
'No; the camera doesn't pick up my legs.'
'So do you often record your videos without pants on?'
'Frequently, yeah.'
Oscar slipped his T-shirt over his head, then he came over to Kevin and resumed his former position.
'Now look into my eyes,' said Kevin, 'then slowly turn back to face the camera – we'll take it from where you tell me you love me.'
Oscar followed his director's instructions, turning his head back to give the camera an awkward look.
'So, there you have it,' Kevin told his devoted viewers. 'You've met Oscar, and perhaps you'll be seeing some more of him in the near future if you're lucky. I promise the next video I upload really, really will be my throwback review of the final episode of Angel season two, so I hope you'll be back for that. Later.'
Oscar went back over to the bed as Kevin stopped the recording and went into his video editor. It did not take him long to isolate the part he wanted to remove and tidy up the rest of the video.
'Let's take a look at our sex tape, before you expunge it from existence,' said Oscar.
'Okay,' said Kevin. 'A real quick one.'
'I can get a new chair,' said Kevin. 'In fact I think I'll bring down one of the old dining room chairs from the attic – they're much better than this flimsy thing. Oh my God, the webcam was recording us that whole time!'
'Ha-ha, yeah, I guess it was,' said Oscar. 'Never mind – you weren't doing a live webcast or anything, were you?'
'No, but we have to delete the footage as quickly as possible!' said Kevin. 'Jesus, leaked sex tapes can ruin people's lives! I don't want there to be a Kevin and Oscar sex tape in the world!'
'I don't think it'd be likely to become a huge online sensation, would it?'
'Maybe not, but we'd probably end up on a bunch of porn sites! And just think how embarrassing it could be if you become a famous musician and someone finds the video and recognises you – it'll be all over CNN in no time!'
'Then I'll tell CNN that I have nothing to be ashamed of and we're still together,' Oscar said firmly.
Kevin smiled at him; Oscar smiled back.
'I still think it's best to delete the footage,' said Kevin. 'Let's wrap up the video, then we can go back and cut out the sexual part. Come and sit on my lap again.'
'Aren't you gonna put your pants back on first?'
'No; the camera doesn't pick up my legs.'
'So do you often record your videos without pants on?'
'Frequently, yeah.'
Oscar slipped his T-shirt over his head, then he came over to Kevin and resumed his former position.
'Now look into my eyes,' said Kevin, 'then slowly turn back to face the camera – we'll take it from where you tell me you love me.'
Oscar followed his director's instructions, turning his head back to give the camera an awkward look.
'So, there you have it,' Kevin told his devoted viewers. 'You've met Oscar, and perhaps you'll be seeing some more of him in the near future if you're lucky. I promise the next video I upload really, really will be my throwback review of the final episode of Angel season two, so I hope you'll be back for that. Later.'
Oscar went back over to the bed as Kevin stopped the recording and went into his video editor. It did not take him long to isolate the part he wanted to remove and tidy up the rest of the video.
'Let's take a look at our sex tape, before you expunge it from existence,' said Oscar.
'Okay,' said Kevin. 'A real quick one.'
'There, it's uploading,' said Kevin, turning in his swivel chair to face his companion. 'The Q-and-A addendum, I mean; not the sex tape. My subscribers will be notified as soon as it's done.'
'Cool,' said Oscar. 'I should go now – I have to do my homework.'
'I need to get on and watch that episode of Angel, then do my throwback review video,' said Kevin.
'You're desperate to get rid of me, huh?'
'No way! I'd love it if we could just hang out together every minute of every day, but neither of us would ever get anything useful done.'
'Yeah – I guess we'll just have to wait 'til Mexico for that,' said Oscar. 'Maybe I'll come down to the mall after school tomorrow and surprise you again.'
'Will you?' Kevin asked.
'I can't tell you that,' Oscar giggled. 'If I did, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?'
'Cool,' said Oscar. 'I should go now – I have to do my homework.'
'I need to get on and watch that episode of Angel, then do my throwback review video,' said Kevin.
'You're desperate to get rid of me, huh?'
'No way! I'd love it if we could just hang out together every minute of every day, but neither of us would ever get anything useful done.'
'Yeah – I guess we'll just have to wait 'til Mexico for that,' said Oscar. 'Maybe I'll come down to the mall after school tomorrow and surprise you again.'
'Will you?' Kevin asked.
'I can't tell you that,' Oscar giggled. 'If I did, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?'
Kevin had just set his latest throwback review video uploading when there came a tentative knock on his bedroom door.
'Come in,' said Kevin.
'You're not recording, are you?' said Beth, as she entered the room. 'It sounded like you'd finished, so I thought it'd be safe to come in and talk to you.'
'You thought right, Mom,' Kevin grinned at her. 'I'm just uploading my latest video now.'
'I watched your Q-and-A video earlier, while Jamie and Chita were taking a nap,' said Beth.
'Oh,' said Kevin, sounding rather embarrassed, 'you did, huh?'
'Yes, I did,' said Beth, 'and the thought occurred to me, are you really serious about wanting to visit Lucy and Jandro?'
'I'm really serious about wanting to, yeah,' Kevin sighed. 'But I don't think it can actually happen, 'cause I need all my money for Mexico – Nottingham just isn't in the budget. It wouldn't be so bad if they were coming home for Christmas or something, but they're not gonna be back in America 'til the summer and I'm gonna be in Mexico while they're here, so... yeah, it kinda sucks.'
'I thought as much,' said Beth. 'So, here's a proposal for you. How would you like your main Christmas present this year to be a trip to Nottingham to spend a couple of nights with Lucy and Jandro?'
'I'd like that a whole lot, if you're really serious,' said Kevin.
'I am,' said Beth.
'I'd have to square it with Tom and Eduardo and the hospital, but I don't think it'd be a problem. And I'd have to check if Lucy and Jandro would be on board, of course.'
'Here's another point to consider – do you want to take Oscar with you, and do you think he'd want to come?'
'I'd love to take Oscar with me,' said Kevin, 'and I'm pretty sure he'd want to come.'
'I called Dana with the idea right after I watched your video,' said Beth, 'and she seemed to think it was an excellent plan. It'd be a Christmas present, like I said, but we thought you could actually take the trip toward the end of March – Oscar will be on vacation from school and he'll be eighteen, so he'll be able to get his passport renewed as an adult and it'll still be good for your Mexico trip.'
'Wow, you sure have this all figured out,' said Kevin. 'It is an excellent plan, Mom – thank you so much! I'm gonna email Lucy and tell her right now!'
'I'll have to check in with Dana before we finalise the arrangements,' said Beth, 'but I think we can bring this off without any major problems. I expect she's talking to Oscar about it right now.'
'Cool,' said Kevin. 'I wonder what he'll say.'
'Come in,' said Kevin.
'You're not recording, are you?' said Beth, as she entered the room. 'It sounded like you'd finished, so I thought it'd be safe to come in and talk to you.'
'You thought right, Mom,' Kevin grinned at her. 'I'm just uploading my latest video now.'
'I watched your Q-and-A video earlier, while Jamie and Chita were taking a nap,' said Beth.
'Oh,' said Kevin, sounding rather embarrassed, 'you did, huh?'
'Yes, I did,' said Beth, 'and the thought occurred to me, are you really serious about wanting to visit Lucy and Jandro?'
'I'm really serious about wanting to, yeah,' Kevin sighed. 'But I don't think it can actually happen, 'cause I need all my money for Mexico – Nottingham just isn't in the budget. It wouldn't be so bad if they were coming home for Christmas or something, but they're not gonna be back in America 'til the summer and I'm gonna be in Mexico while they're here, so... yeah, it kinda sucks.'
'I thought as much,' said Beth. 'So, here's a proposal for you. How would you like your main Christmas present this year to be a trip to Nottingham to spend a couple of nights with Lucy and Jandro?'
'I'd like that a whole lot, if you're really serious,' said Kevin.
'I am,' said Beth.
'I'd have to square it with Tom and Eduardo and the hospital, but I don't think it'd be a problem. And I'd have to check if Lucy and Jandro would be on board, of course.'
'Here's another point to consider – do you want to take Oscar with you, and do you think he'd want to come?'
'I'd love to take Oscar with me,' said Kevin, 'and I'm pretty sure he'd want to come.'
'I called Dana with the idea right after I watched your video,' said Beth, 'and she seemed to think it was an excellent plan. It'd be a Christmas present, like I said, but we thought you could actually take the trip toward the end of March – Oscar will be on vacation from school and he'll be eighteen, so he'll be able to get his passport renewed as an adult and it'll still be good for your Mexico trip.'
'Wow, you sure have this all figured out,' said Kevin. 'It is an excellent plan, Mom – thank you so much! I'm gonna email Lucy and tell her right now!'
'I'll have to check in with Dana before we finalise the arrangements,' said Beth, 'but I think we can bring this off without any major problems. I expect she's talking to Oscar about it right now.'
'Cool,' said Kevin. 'I wonder what he'll say.'
'That's an excellent idea, Mom!' said Oscar, beaming at Dana. 'But are you sure you can afford it?'
'Well... yes, we can,' said Dana, 'but there's one little extra part to the plan that would make it less of a financial squeeze if you agree to it.'
'Oh yeah?'
'Your father's agreed to pay a quarter of the total cost for your trip if you'll meet him for lunch in Nottingham on the day you arrive.'
'You mean Andre?'
'Yes, I mean Andre.'
'I haven't seen him for almost five years,' said Oscar.
'That's why he's so keen to meet up with you again, honey,' said Dana.
'Not keen enough to pay a full half of my fare though, huh?'
'I guess he thinks one lunch is only worth a quarter. I mean, you don't want to actually go and stay with him in London, do you? You want to be with Kevin and Lucy and Jandro, right?'
'Yeah, that's right,' said Oscar. 'Well, I guess it's an okay plan... and it might be kinda cool to catch up with Andre, as I'm gonna be in England anyway. He wants us to meet in Nottingham, huh? So we're not gonna be flying to London from JFK?'
'No,' said Dana. 'You fly to a place called East Midlands Airport and take a bus to Loughborough, then you take a train into Nottingham. It's only about fifteen miles from the airport to the city, so the connection won't take too long.'
'You've sure done your research,' Oscar said approvingly. 'Okay then, I'm on board. Have you told Andre about Kevin?'
'I've told him that Kevin will be there,' said Dana, 'but I haven't given him any details about your relationship. Just to be clear, I'd have done the same thing if you were going with a girl, but I guess Andre would probably have drawn a different conclusion. Still, we can't know for sure – maybe he hasn't made any assumptions at all.'
'Thanks, Mom,' said Oscar. 'I need to go call Kevin and talk to him about this. Do you think his mom's told him yet?'
'Probably,' said Dana. 'How about I give her a call first to check, then we'll pass you and Kevin over to each other... if you see what I mean.'
'I see exactly what you mean,' said Oscar.
Dana smiled at him and ruffled his hair, eliciting a reproachful glance, then she left the room and headed for the phone. A few seconds later, Jessica appeared in the doorway and grinned at Oscar.
'I enjoyed the YouTube pilot for The Sexy Adventures of Twink and Twunk,' she said.
'Huh?' said Oscar.
'The video you and Kevin made together,' Jessica elaborated. 'Seriously, I thought it was really cute.'
'Thanks, Jess,' said Oscar.
'You were looking at each with such smouldering desire,' Jessica added, 'I thought you might be on the verge of tearing each other's clothes off and making love on-screen!'
'Ha-ha, not quite,' said Oscar, somewhat awkwardly. 'Besides, the video would probably have gotten banned if we'd done that.'
'Yeah, probably,' Jessica said with a laugh. 'You know, for what it's worth, I think you two will get married someday, somehow.'
'Thanks, Jess,' Oscar said again.
'Well... yes, we can,' said Dana, 'but there's one little extra part to the plan that would make it less of a financial squeeze if you agree to it.'
'Oh yeah?'
'Your father's agreed to pay a quarter of the total cost for your trip if you'll meet him for lunch in Nottingham on the day you arrive.'
'You mean Andre?'
'Yes, I mean Andre.'
'I haven't seen him for almost five years,' said Oscar.
'That's why he's so keen to meet up with you again, honey,' said Dana.
'Not keen enough to pay a full half of my fare though, huh?'
'I guess he thinks one lunch is only worth a quarter. I mean, you don't want to actually go and stay with him in London, do you? You want to be with Kevin and Lucy and Jandro, right?'
'Yeah, that's right,' said Oscar. 'Well, I guess it's an okay plan... and it might be kinda cool to catch up with Andre, as I'm gonna be in England anyway. He wants us to meet in Nottingham, huh? So we're not gonna be flying to London from JFK?'
'No,' said Dana. 'You fly to a place called East Midlands Airport and take a bus to Loughborough, then you take a train into Nottingham. It's only about fifteen miles from the airport to the city, so the connection won't take too long.'
'You've sure done your research,' Oscar said approvingly. 'Okay then, I'm on board. Have you told Andre about Kevin?'
'I've told him that Kevin will be there,' said Dana, 'but I haven't given him any details about your relationship. Just to be clear, I'd have done the same thing if you were going with a girl, but I guess Andre would probably have drawn a different conclusion. Still, we can't know for sure – maybe he hasn't made any assumptions at all.'
'Thanks, Mom,' said Oscar. 'I need to go call Kevin and talk to him about this. Do you think his mom's told him yet?'
'Probably,' said Dana. 'How about I give her a call first to check, then we'll pass you and Kevin over to each other... if you see what I mean.'
'I see exactly what you mean,' said Oscar.
Dana smiled at him and ruffled his hair, eliciting a reproachful glance, then she left the room and headed for the phone. A few seconds later, Jessica appeared in the doorway and grinned at Oscar.
'I enjoyed the YouTube pilot for The Sexy Adventures of Twink and Twunk,' she said.
'Huh?' said Oscar.
'The video you and Kevin made together,' Jessica elaborated. 'Seriously, I thought it was really cute.'
'Thanks, Jess,' said Oscar.
'You were looking at each with such smouldering desire,' Jessica added, 'I thought you might be on the verge of tearing each other's clothes off and making love on-screen!'
'Ha-ha, not quite,' said Oscar, somewhat awkwardly. 'Besides, the video would probably have gotten banned if we'd done that.'
'Yeah, probably,' Jessica said with a laugh. 'You know, for what it's worth, I think you two will get married someday, somehow.'
'Thanks, Jess,' Oscar said again.
