Virtual Season Episode 3: Your Fate Is Sealed
Written by Rosey Collins
In
the dead of night, a seal flopped out of the ocean and onto the
beach. It wriggled a bit under the cover of darkness, and a
moment later a beautiful woman was folding a large coat over her arms
and walking along the sand. Between them, the coat and a flowing
mane of hair covered her body, which was handy because she wasn't
wearing any clothes.
The beautiful woman walked until she reached somebody's discarded picnic: plastic wrappers, bottles, drinks cans, a half-eaten ice cream cone and other such items. Upon seeing this, the woman threw down her coat and crouched down for a closer look. She spent some time on this, not noticing a flurry of activity in the darkness behind her.
'Oh, aye,' the woman said, in a thick Scottish accent. 'This will do for a start.'
She stood up, turned round and tried to pick up her coat. She found that it was gone, and a look of dismay came into her face.
'You know,' a male voice said, 'New York's beaches really aren't as dirty as you might think.'
The woman turned her head in the direction of the voice, and narrowed her eyes on the face of its owner.
'What,' she said, in dangerous tones, 'have you done wi' it?'
The beautiful woman walked until she reached somebody's discarded picnic: plastic wrappers, bottles, drinks cans, a half-eaten ice cream cone and other such items. Upon seeing this, the woman threw down her coat and crouched down for a closer look. She spent some time on this, not noticing a flurry of activity in the darkness behind her.
'Oh, aye,' the woman said, in a thick Scottish accent. 'This will do for a start.'
She stood up, turned round and tried to pick up her coat. She found that it was gone, and a look of dismay came into her face.
'You know,' a male voice said, 'New York's beaches really aren't as dirty as you might think.'
The woman turned her head in the direction of the voice, and narrowed her eyes on the face of its owner.
'What,' she said, in dangerous tones, 'have you done wi' it?'
The sun had risen when Roland, Garrett, Kylie and Eduardo found themselves once again shooting through the streets of Manhattan in the Ecto-1.
'So,' said Garrett, 'what kind of ghost would have something against an overpriced fashion outlet?'
'Maybe it's a communist,' said Eduardo.
'Or an animal rights activist,' said Kylie. 'That place sells coats made out of rodents and cosmetics made out of whales.'
'They don't use whale products in cosmetics anymore,' said Roland.
'Maybe the ghost doesn't know that,' Kylie said smartly.
'Some cosmetics use whale vomit,' said Eduardo.
'What?' said Kylie, turning in her seat to frown at him.
'It's true,' said Eduardo. 'But it's okay because collecting whale vomit doesn't harm any animals.'
'The whales are probably glad to get rid of it,' said Garrett.
'So,' said Eduardo, 'the products are labelled as cruelty free. Your makeup could have whale spew in it, Kylie.'
'I don't believe that for a moment,' said Kylie, turning to face the front again, and looking worried for just a split second as she did so.
'All right,' said Roland, as he stopped the car. 'Enough talking about whale vomit. We're here.'
The foursome got out of the car, strapped on their equipment and headed for the store entrance. The PKE meters were already buzzing. Roland, who was leading, opened the door to the sight of a young woman and an older man exiting the building. Both were carrying large shopping bags, and the woman was wearing a man's smart jacket over bare legs and high-heeled shoes. The man barged Roland out of the way before he had a chance to step aside; the woman tottered along behind on her high heels without a glance at any of the Ghostbusters.
'Rude,' said Garrett, glaring down the street after them.
'Never mind,' said Roland. 'Come on.' He led the way inside the building.
'So,' said Garrett, 'what kind of ghost would have something against an overpriced fashion outlet?'
'Maybe it's a communist,' said Eduardo.
'Or an animal rights activist,' said Kylie. 'That place sells coats made out of rodents and cosmetics made out of whales.'
'They don't use whale products in cosmetics anymore,' said Roland.
'Maybe the ghost doesn't know that,' Kylie said smartly.
'Some cosmetics use whale vomit,' said Eduardo.
'What?' said Kylie, turning in her seat to frown at him.
'It's true,' said Eduardo. 'But it's okay because collecting whale vomit doesn't harm any animals.'
'The whales are probably glad to get rid of it,' said Garrett.
'So,' said Eduardo, 'the products are labelled as cruelty free. Your makeup could have whale spew in it, Kylie.'
'I don't believe that for a moment,' said Kylie, turning to face the front again, and looking worried for just a split second as she did so.
'All right,' said Roland, as he stopped the car. 'Enough talking about whale vomit. We're here.'
The foursome got out of the car, strapped on their equipment and headed for the store entrance. The PKE meters were already buzzing. Roland, who was leading, opened the door to the sight of a young woman and an older man exiting the building. Both were carrying large shopping bags, and the woman was wearing a man's smart jacket over bare legs and high-heeled shoes. The man barged Roland out of the way before he had a chance to step aside; the woman tottered along behind on her high heels without a glance at any of the Ghostbusters.
'Rude,' said Garrett, glaring down the street after them.
'Never mind,' said Roland. 'Come on.' He led the way inside the building.
'I cannae walk in these things!' the woman called after the man, in her Scottish accent, for she was the very same one who had appeared on the beach the night before.
'You'll learn,' said the man. 'I know all about how you people work. You have to do what I tell you.'
'Ah dinnae!'
The man stopped walking and turned to face her. 'What?'
She stopped as well, let out a sigh of exasperation and said, 'I do not.'
So saying, she put down her bags and lifted first one foot and then the other to remove the shoes. She then picked up her bags and walked on down the street barefoot.
The man bent down to retrieve the discarded shoes. Then, hurrying to catch up with the woman, he said, 'I'd like my jacket back now.'
'Huh!' said the woman. 'You're nae the only one! I will find it, Andrew.'
'What's your name, anyway?' Andrew asked.
'I havenae one.'
'Then I'll call you Lucille.'
She rolled her eyes. 'Och, saints preserve us!'
'My jacket, Lucille,' Andrew said firmly.
Lucille stopped walking, put down her bags again and took off the jacket. Underneath she was wearing a short, sleeveless dress.
'You could put on some pants and a sweater if you want,' said Andrew. 'You don't need to look fancy for this friend of mine.'
'I like the cold,' said Lucille. 'Who is this friend, anyway? You dinnae want me for yourself?'
'Wait and see,' said Andrew. 'I guess I'd better call him first. He'll never believe it, of course. Unless... you can prove it, can't you? You have some kind of power or something. Those were the Ghostbusters back there. They were there for you, weren't they? Lucille, what did you do?'
'I do as I please, Andrew,' said Lucille. 'You're nae my master.'
'Well,' said Andrew, 'just be careful. You don't want those Ghostbusters onto you.'
Lucille laughed. 'That sorry-looking lot we passed back there? They cannae do anything to me!'
'Oh yes they can, so you'd better behave. Come on.' Andrew put his hand on Lucille's back and propelled her down the street.
'You'll learn,' said the man. 'I know all about how you people work. You have to do what I tell you.'
'Ah dinnae!'
The man stopped walking and turned to face her. 'What?'
She stopped as well, let out a sigh of exasperation and said, 'I do not.'
So saying, she put down her bags and lifted first one foot and then the other to remove the shoes. She then picked up her bags and walked on down the street barefoot.
The man bent down to retrieve the discarded shoes. Then, hurrying to catch up with the woman, he said, 'I'd like my jacket back now.'
'Huh!' said the woman. 'You're nae the only one! I will find it, Andrew.'
'What's your name, anyway?' Andrew asked.
'I havenae one.'
'Then I'll call you Lucille.'
She rolled her eyes. 'Och, saints preserve us!'
'My jacket, Lucille,' Andrew said firmly.
Lucille stopped walking, put down her bags again and took off the jacket. Underneath she was wearing a short, sleeveless dress.
'You could put on some pants and a sweater if you want,' said Andrew. 'You don't need to look fancy for this friend of mine.'
'I like the cold,' said Lucille. 'Who is this friend, anyway? You dinnae want me for yourself?'
'Wait and see,' said Andrew. 'I guess I'd better call him first. He'll never believe it, of course. Unless... you can prove it, can't you? You have some kind of power or something. Those were the Ghostbusters back there. They were there for you, weren't they? Lucille, what did you do?'
'I do as I please, Andrew,' said Lucille. 'You're nae my master.'
'Well,' said Andrew, 'just be careful. You don't want those Ghostbusters onto you.'
Lucille laughed. 'That sorry-looking lot we passed back there? They cannae do anything to me!'
'Oh yes they can, so you'd better behave. Come on.' Andrew put his hand on Lucille's back and propelled her down the street.
The Ghostbusters were in the part of the store that happened to be filled with women's underwear. Roland was standing as far as he could get from the items of stock, looking awkward. Eduardo and Garrett were keeping straight faces as they took PKE readings. A saleswoman was standing anxiously by, and Kylie was feeling an item of lingerie between her thumb and first two fingers. She looked at her PKE meter, then at the price tag on the underwear, which made her eyes widen.
'Unbelievable,' she muttered to herself. Then she turned to face the room at large, and said, 'This stuff is all absolutely soaked.'
'I know!' said the saleswoman. 'It'll be ruined! Some of this lingerie is –'
'You know, miss,' Roland said quickly, 'there's a good chance all this damage will be undone if we catch the entity.'
'When we catch the entity,' said Garrett, turning his chair to face the woman and putting away his PKE meter. 'So what else can you tell us?' He glanced at the name tag on her jacket. 'Phillippa.'
'Oh dear, I don't know!' said Phillippa. 'A lot of people were shopping in here... no ghosts or demons that I could see... and then just after I left, there was the most terrific splash and everyone came running out all wet! Now they're all demanding that we pay for their dry-cleaning bills and give them store credit!'
'Well,' said Garrett, 'as my colleague has explained, that may not be necessary.'
'You say this was just after you left?' said Kylie. 'You're a personal shopper, right, Phillippa? Who were you personal shopping with? Anybody in particular?'
'Yes,' said Phillippa. 'It was one of our regulars, Andrew Hunter. He was here shopping for another trophy girlfriend. Oh, that was so unprofessional... I'm sorry...'
'We won't tell anyone,' said Roland. 'Go on.'
'Well,' said Phillippa, sounding increasingly agitated as she talked, 'he comes here from time to time with a beautiful woman to dress. He picks out her underwear and everything. Well, obviously.' She gestured around her. 'And he gets me to help, even though he makes all the decisions. I do try to make him buy things the woman likes...'
'Hey,' said Eduardo, 'you gotta make a living. He's the jerk, Phillippa, not you.'
'So this happened after you left with them,' said Kylie. 'Well, that may or may not mean something.'
'It could, you know,' said Phillippa. 'There's also been some damage done in cosmetics and women's wear and women's shoes. That's all the places I took them.'
'The same kind of damage?' asked Roland.
'Yes,' said Phillippa, 'and up in cosmetics, there's a huge kind of pudding in the middle of the floor from the creams and stuff, with the containers thrown everywhere.'
'Has anyone else noticed this place stinks of fish?' asked Eduardo.
'It sure does,' said Garrett. 'And salt. This is seawater.'
Kylie gave the underwear another good rub with fingers and thumb, then licked her forefinger.
'It's salt water all right,' she said. 'And, uh... hopefully it's not poisonous or anything.'
'Is it important whether it's seawater or not?' asked Phillippa.
'It may help us to determine what we're dealing with,' said Kylie.
'Could we maybe take a look at another department now?' Roland asked awkwardly.
'Absolutely,' said Phillippa. 'I'll take you to women's shoes.'
She led them down three steps and out into a rotunda full of desks and helpful signs pointing to various doors and staircases. They walked through areas labelled Returns, Customer Enquiries and finally Management, where a harassed-looking man was shouting down a telephone receiver, 'I need four of the strongest dehumidifiers in existence, up here, now!'
'I really hope we can clear all this up for you, Phillippa,' said Roland.
'Right,' said Eduardo, not loudly enough for Phillippa to hear. 'Otherwise they might only make six figures this quarter.'
'All right,' Kylie said, as they walked into a damp room full of overturned shoe racks. 'I think we get the picture. We'd better check that the readings all match, and ask around to see if anyone else saw anything. If we can't find the entity on the premises, I think we should talk to this Andrew Hunter character. He's the only lead we have right now. Phillippa, can you give us his address?'
'Yes,' said Phillippa, 'if you don't tell my boss it was me.'
'Phillippa,' said Garrett, 'I wouldn't tell a soul.'
'My lips are sealed,' said Roland.
'No hablo inglés,' said Eduardo.
'All right,' said Phillippa. 'I'll find it while you're finishing up here.'
'Unbelievable,' she muttered to herself. Then she turned to face the room at large, and said, 'This stuff is all absolutely soaked.'
'I know!' said the saleswoman. 'It'll be ruined! Some of this lingerie is –'
'You know, miss,' Roland said quickly, 'there's a good chance all this damage will be undone if we catch the entity.'
'When we catch the entity,' said Garrett, turning his chair to face the woman and putting away his PKE meter. 'So what else can you tell us?' He glanced at the name tag on her jacket. 'Phillippa.'
'Oh dear, I don't know!' said Phillippa. 'A lot of people were shopping in here... no ghosts or demons that I could see... and then just after I left, there was the most terrific splash and everyone came running out all wet! Now they're all demanding that we pay for their dry-cleaning bills and give them store credit!'
'Well,' said Garrett, 'as my colleague has explained, that may not be necessary.'
'You say this was just after you left?' said Kylie. 'You're a personal shopper, right, Phillippa? Who were you personal shopping with? Anybody in particular?'
'Yes,' said Phillippa. 'It was one of our regulars, Andrew Hunter. He was here shopping for another trophy girlfriend. Oh, that was so unprofessional... I'm sorry...'
'We won't tell anyone,' said Roland. 'Go on.'
'Well,' said Phillippa, sounding increasingly agitated as she talked, 'he comes here from time to time with a beautiful woman to dress. He picks out her underwear and everything. Well, obviously.' She gestured around her. 'And he gets me to help, even though he makes all the decisions. I do try to make him buy things the woman likes...'
'Hey,' said Eduardo, 'you gotta make a living. He's the jerk, Phillippa, not you.'
'So this happened after you left with them,' said Kylie. 'Well, that may or may not mean something.'
'It could, you know,' said Phillippa. 'There's also been some damage done in cosmetics and women's wear and women's shoes. That's all the places I took them.'
'The same kind of damage?' asked Roland.
'Yes,' said Phillippa, 'and up in cosmetics, there's a huge kind of pudding in the middle of the floor from the creams and stuff, with the containers thrown everywhere.'
'Has anyone else noticed this place stinks of fish?' asked Eduardo.
'It sure does,' said Garrett. 'And salt. This is seawater.'
Kylie gave the underwear another good rub with fingers and thumb, then licked her forefinger.
'It's salt water all right,' she said. 'And, uh... hopefully it's not poisonous or anything.'
'Is it important whether it's seawater or not?' asked Phillippa.
'It may help us to determine what we're dealing with,' said Kylie.
'Could we maybe take a look at another department now?' Roland asked awkwardly.
'Absolutely,' said Phillippa. 'I'll take you to women's shoes.'
She led them down three steps and out into a rotunda full of desks and helpful signs pointing to various doors and staircases. They walked through areas labelled Returns, Customer Enquiries and finally Management, where a harassed-looking man was shouting down a telephone receiver, 'I need four of the strongest dehumidifiers in existence, up here, now!'
'I really hope we can clear all this up for you, Phillippa,' said Roland.
'Right,' said Eduardo, not loudly enough for Phillippa to hear. 'Otherwise they might only make six figures this quarter.'
'All right,' Kylie said, as they walked into a damp room full of overturned shoe racks. 'I think we get the picture. We'd better check that the readings all match, and ask around to see if anyone else saw anything. If we can't find the entity on the premises, I think we should talk to this Andrew Hunter character. He's the only lead we have right now. Phillippa, can you give us his address?'
'Yes,' said Phillippa, 'if you don't tell my boss it was me.'
'Phillippa,' said Garrett, 'I wouldn't tell a soul.'
'My lips are sealed,' said Roland.
'No hablo inglés,' said Eduardo.
'All right,' said Phillippa. 'I'll find it while you're finishing up here.'
Back in the Ecto-1, the four Ghostbusters updated Egon on their progress over the radio.
'Saturated with seawater?' Egon said. 'Fascinating. And you say no one on the premises in any way sensed the presence of a supernatural being. The things you describe could have been done by an ordinary person, of course, but not without detection.'
'We may have a link with this Andrew Hunter person and his trophy girlfriend,' said Kylie. 'Egon, is it possible she could be some kind of mermaid?'
'Anything is possible,' said Egon.
'Why would a mermaid trash a department store?' Eduardo asked sceptically.
'Because she was there with a male chauvinist pig,' said Kylie. 'I might have trashed the place too, if I was there with him.'
'But you wouldn't be there with him,' said Eduardo. 'So why would a mermaid? She didn't make a deal with the Sea Witch so she could go places she didn't like with a guy she didn't like.'
'Maybe she didn't know she didn't like him,' said Garrett. 'Maybe she got to “Daddy, I love him” before she bothered getting to know the guy.'
'Let's try to avoid using classic cinema as our primary point of reference, shall we?' Egon's voice suggested.
'Of course,' said Roland. 'Eduardo makes a valid point though, Egon. If this woman's a mermaid, how is she walking on land, and why is she going to places she doesn't seem to like?'
'I'll look into that,' said Egon.
'Bearing in mind that we don't know this woman has anything to do with anything,' said Kylie. 'I do think it's worth going to see her, though. And him. They were in all the places that got trashed, so they at least might have seen something.'
'All right,' said Egon. 'Keep me informed.'
'Saturated with seawater?' Egon said. 'Fascinating. And you say no one on the premises in any way sensed the presence of a supernatural being. The things you describe could have been done by an ordinary person, of course, but not without detection.'
'We may have a link with this Andrew Hunter person and his trophy girlfriend,' said Kylie. 'Egon, is it possible she could be some kind of mermaid?'
'Anything is possible,' said Egon.
'Why would a mermaid trash a department store?' Eduardo asked sceptically.
'Because she was there with a male chauvinist pig,' said Kylie. 'I might have trashed the place too, if I was there with him.'
'But you wouldn't be there with him,' said Eduardo. 'So why would a mermaid? She didn't make a deal with the Sea Witch so she could go places she didn't like with a guy she didn't like.'
'Maybe she didn't know she didn't like him,' said Garrett. 'Maybe she got to “Daddy, I love him” before she bothered getting to know the guy.'
'Let's try to avoid using classic cinema as our primary point of reference, shall we?' Egon's voice suggested.
'Of course,' said Roland. 'Eduardo makes a valid point though, Egon. If this woman's a mermaid, how is she walking on land, and why is she going to places she doesn't seem to like?'
'I'll look into that,' said Egon.
'Bearing in mind that we don't know this woman has anything to do with anything,' said Kylie. 'I do think it's worth going to see her, though. And him. They were in all the places that got trashed, so they at least might have seen something.'
'All right,' said Egon. 'Keep me informed.'
It turned out that Andrew Hunter lived in an exclusive apartment block with huge balconies and uncommonly clean windows.
'This is a nice place,' said Garrett, who was struggling to move his chair through ankle-deep rubbish in the forecourt. 'Think how much nicer it would be if someone collected the trash occasionally.'
'Stinks of fish again,' said Eduardo.
'I'm getting traces,' said Roland, who had got out his PKE meter.
'The first thing we have to do is get past this doorman,' Kylie said, approaching said doorman and giving him a winning smile. 'Good morning.'
'You're the Ghostbusters!' said the doorman. 'Did somebody call you about the trash?'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'we –'
'You wanna know what I saw? Well, I'll tell you. It all came down the stairs and the garbage chutes on these giant waves! You kids smell that damp?'
'Sure,' said Eduardo. 'So we better get up there and investigate, hadn't we?'
'Yes, yes, of course,' the doorman said, and he stepped aside to let them in.
They went to the elevator, and Roland pushed the button to call it. The doors opened at once, and all four Ghostbusters let out a yell as they were saturated with water. The impact sent Garrett's chair careening across the lobby, and knocked the other three off their feet.
'What the...?' said the doorman, turning to stare at them, then looking down as the water reached his ankles and soaked his trouser bottoms. 'Where is all this water coming from?'
'The ghost again, sir,' said Roland. 'We'll get right on it. You know,' he went on, turning back to his teammates, 'I doubt that elevator is completely safe.'
'Aw man!' Eduardo said, as he helped Kylie to her feet. 'The dude lives in the penthouse!'
'Well, I'm taking that elevator,' said Garrett.
'No!' said Roland. 'I'm telling you, it's not safe!'
'You don't want to be trapped in an elevator, Garrett,' Kylie said significantly.
'I could live with that,' said Garrett, not meeting her eye. 'But I guess it would be inconvenient, so if you guys really insist...'
'We do,' said Roland, already at the staircase with his hand on the banister. 'Don't worry, Garrett – we won't miss out a single detail.'
'This is a nice place,' said Garrett, who was struggling to move his chair through ankle-deep rubbish in the forecourt. 'Think how much nicer it would be if someone collected the trash occasionally.'
'Stinks of fish again,' said Eduardo.
'I'm getting traces,' said Roland, who had got out his PKE meter.
'The first thing we have to do is get past this doorman,' Kylie said, approaching said doorman and giving him a winning smile. 'Good morning.'
'You're the Ghostbusters!' said the doorman. 'Did somebody call you about the trash?'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'we –'
'You wanna know what I saw? Well, I'll tell you. It all came down the stairs and the garbage chutes on these giant waves! You kids smell that damp?'
'Sure,' said Eduardo. 'So we better get up there and investigate, hadn't we?'
'Yes, yes, of course,' the doorman said, and he stepped aside to let them in.
They went to the elevator, and Roland pushed the button to call it. The doors opened at once, and all four Ghostbusters let out a yell as they were saturated with water. The impact sent Garrett's chair careening across the lobby, and knocked the other three off their feet.
'What the...?' said the doorman, turning to stare at them, then looking down as the water reached his ankles and soaked his trouser bottoms. 'Where is all this water coming from?'
'The ghost again, sir,' said Roland. 'We'll get right on it. You know,' he went on, turning back to his teammates, 'I doubt that elevator is completely safe.'
'Aw man!' Eduardo said, as he helped Kylie to her feet. 'The dude lives in the penthouse!'
'Well, I'm taking that elevator,' said Garrett.
'No!' said Roland. 'I'm telling you, it's not safe!'
'You don't want to be trapped in an elevator, Garrett,' Kylie said significantly.
'I could live with that,' said Garrett, not meeting her eye. 'But I guess it would be inconvenient, so if you guys really insist...'
'We do,' said Roland, already at the staircase with his hand on the banister. 'Don't worry, Garrett – we won't miss out a single detail.'
Roland knocked on the door of the penthouse apartment. Andrew Hunter opened it a crack, and his one visible eye widened in alarm.
'What are you doing here?' he demanded.
'Good morning, Mr Hunter,' said Roland. 'We're the Ghostbusters, and we're investigating –'
'I don't know anything. Go away.'
'Sounds suspicious,' said Eduardo, looking at Kylie, and she nodded solemnly.
'Suspicious? Me? Don't be silly!' Andrew said, and he flung the door wide open. 'This is about the department store, isn't it? I heard the commotion, but I didn't see anything.'
'What about the woman who was with you?' asked Kylie.
'She didn't see anything either,' said Andrew.
'Well,' said Kylie, with an edge to her voice, 'maybe she can tell us herself whether she did or not.'
'Girl's got her own mind, man,' Eduardo added.
'By the way,' Kylie said, holding up her buzzing PKE meter, 'whatever was in the store is now here, or has been very recently. We'd better check you and your friend for demonic possession.'
'Uh... that's okay,' said Andrew. 'Look, I really don't think I can –'
'Andrew!' came Lucille's voice, from somewhere inside the apartment. 'How do I make the water run cold?'
Andrew turned in the doorway as Lucille entered the living room, clutching a towel to her body. Eduardo's jaw dropped. Roland looked interested just for a moment, then acutely embarrassed.
'Get back in there, Lucille,' said Andrew. 'I'm busy.'
'Actually, miss,' said Kylie, now staring at her PKE meter, 'we'd really like to talk to you, if you have a minute.'
'Oh, aye,' Lucille said amicably, and approached the doorway. The PKE meters went mad. 'What's all this, now?'
'Lucille!' hissed Andrew.
'Perhaps you'd like to put some clothes on first,' said Roland, unable to look at her.
'Och, nae need,' Lucille said cheerfully. 'I'd wear my own coat if I could, only somebody's hidden it,' and she took a moment to glare at Andrew before smiling again at the Ghostbusters. 'What are you wanting to ask me, then?'
'What do you know about the strange activity in the department store this morning?' asked Kylie.
'Why should I know anything?' asked Lucille.
'Because this device here,' said Kylie, indicating her PKE meter, 'is telling me that either you're a ghost or demon of some kind, or you've been in very close contact with one, very recently.'
'Is it now?' asked Lucille, looking at the PKE meter with interest.
'That's enough,' said Andrew, grabbing Lucille's arm and pulling her behind him. 'Go and take that shower. Turn the twisty thing all the way to blue if you want it cold, all right?'
'I'll find it, Andrew,' Lucille said, as she turned and made her way back into the apartment.
'No, wait!' said Kylie. 'Stop her, you guys!'
'Um,' said Eduardo, still staring.
'What are you going to do?' said Andrew. 'Shoot her? Look at her – she's not a ghost!'
'Lucille!' Roland called.
Lucille turned, and looked coquettishly over her shoulder at him. 'Aye?'
'Would you rather come with us?' Roland asked. 'You don't have to stay here.'
'Och, but you're a sweet lad,' said Lucille, smiling. 'I'm all right, now, don't you worry. What's your name, by the way?'
'Roland,' said Roland.
'I'll remember that,' said Lucille, as she began to slink off. 'Fare thee well, Roland.'
'What the heck was that?' Andrew demanded, once Lucille had left the room.
'I'm not sure she's safe here,' said Roland, looking Andrew squarely in the eye.
'From me,' Andrew bristled, 'or this demon of yours?'
'Both!'
'You don't know what you're talking about,' Andrew said, and slammed the door in their faces.
There was a moment of silence. Then Eduardo said, 'Now what?'
'Back with us, are you?' said Kylie.
'She's no monster,' said Roland. 'He is!'
'I know what you mean, Roland,' said Kylie, 'but she could still be responsible for all this. I was getting a much stronger reading off her than him. He may be the monster, but she's the demon, if it's either one of them. And if not, I don't know what to make of these readings.'
'So what do we do?' Eduardo persisted. 'The dude was right – we can't go in there and start blasting her. That's private property, and she might not even be a demon.'
'But she doesn't know how to work a shower,' said Roland.
Eduardo shrugged, and said, 'Maybe the controls are different wherever she comes from.'
'Surely she'd know that red means hot and blue means cold,' said Roland. 'Anyway, why would she want to take a cold shower?'
'Well...' Eduardo began.
'Come on, you guys,' said Kylie, 'there's nothing more we can do here for now. Let's go.'
'What are you doing here?' he demanded.
'Good morning, Mr Hunter,' said Roland. 'We're the Ghostbusters, and we're investigating –'
'I don't know anything. Go away.'
'Sounds suspicious,' said Eduardo, looking at Kylie, and she nodded solemnly.
'Suspicious? Me? Don't be silly!' Andrew said, and he flung the door wide open. 'This is about the department store, isn't it? I heard the commotion, but I didn't see anything.'
'What about the woman who was with you?' asked Kylie.
'She didn't see anything either,' said Andrew.
'Well,' said Kylie, with an edge to her voice, 'maybe she can tell us herself whether she did or not.'
'Girl's got her own mind, man,' Eduardo added.
'By the way,' Kylie said, holding up her buzzing PKE meter, 'whatever was in the store is now here, or has been very recently. We'd better check you and your friend for demonic possession.'
'Uh... that's okay,' said Andrew. 'Look, I really don't think I can –'
'Andrew!' came Lucille's voice, from somewhere inside the apartment. 'How do I make the water run cold?'
Andrew turned in the doorway as Lucille entered the living room, clutching a towel to her body. Eduardo's jaw dropped. Roland looked interested just for a moment, then acutely embarrassed.
'Get back in there, Lucille,' said Andrew. 'I'm busy.'
'Actually, miss,' said Kylie, now staring at her PKE meter, 'we'd really like to talk to you, if you have a minute.'
'Oh, aye,' Lucille said amicably, and approached the doorway. The PKE meters went mad. 'What's all this, now?'
'Lucille!' hissed Andrew.
'Perhaps you'd like to put some clothes on first,' said Roland, unable to look at her.
'Och, nae need,' Lucille said cheerfully. 'I'd wear my own coat if I could, only somebody's hidden it,' and she took a moment to glare at Andrew before smiling again at the Ghostbusters. 'What are you wanting to ask me, then?'
'What do you know about the strange activity in the department store this morning?' asked Kylie.
'Why should I know anything?' asked Lucille.
'Because this device here,' said Kylie, indicating her PKE meter, 'is telling me that either you're a ghost or demon of some kind, or you've been in very close contact with one, very recently.'
'Is it now?' asked Lucille, looking at the PKE meter with interest.
'That's enough,' said Andrew, grabbing Lucille's arm and pulling her behind him. 'Go and take that shower. Turn the twisty thing all the way to blue if you want it cold, all right?'
'I'll find it, Andrew,' Lucille said, as she turned and made her way back into the apartment.
'No, wait!' said Kylie. 'Stop her, you guys!'
'Um,' said Eduardo, still staring.
'What are you going to do?' said Andrew. 'Shoot her? Look at her – she's not a ghost!'
'Lucille!' Roland called.
Lucille turned, and looked coquettishly over her shoulder at him. 'Aye?'
'Would you rather come with us?' Roland asked. 'You don't have to stay here.'
'Och, but you're a sweet lad,' said Lucille, smiling. 'I'm all right, now, don't you worry. What's your name, by the way?'
'Roland,' said Roland.
'I'll remember that,' said Lucille, as she began to slink off. 'Fare thee well, Roland.'
'What the heck was that?' Andrew demanded, once Lucille had left the room.
'I'm not sure she's safe here,' said Roland, looking Andrew squarely in the eye.
'From me,' Andrew bristled, 'or this demon of yours?'
'Both!'
'You don't know what you're talking about,' Andrew said, and slammed the door in their faces.
There was a moment of silence. Then Eduardo said, 'Now what?'
'Back with us, are you?' said Kylie.
'She's no monster,' said Roland. 'He is!'
'I know what you mean, Roland,' said Kylie, 'but she could still be responsible for all this. I was getting a much stronger reading off her than him. He may be the monster, but she's the demon, if it's either one of them. And if not, I don't know what to make of these readings.'
'So what do we do?' Eduardo persisted. 'The dude was right – we can't go in there and start blasting her. That's private property, and she might not even be a demon.'
'But she doesn't know how to work a shower,' said Roland.
Eduardo shrugged, and said, 'Maybe the controls are different wherever she comes from.'
'Surely she'd know that red means hot and blue means cold,' said Roland. 'Anyway, why would she want to take a cold shower?'
'Well...' Eduardo began.
'Come on, you guys,' said Kylie, 'there's nothing more we can do here for now. Let's go.'
Back at
the firehouse, Roland and Garrett had joined Egon at his computer.
The monitor was flicking through various pictures of men and women,
some covered with flippers and gills and a blue or green hue, some
looking perfectly human, and everything in between.
'Accounts of merfolk sightings are extremely varied,' said Egon, 'and goodness knows how much they've been coloured by the various afflictions one might face on a long sea voyage. Some legends say that merfolk can conjure storms at sea, and they have powers of divination. The idea that one would come onto the land and damage human dwellings is completely unprecedented, although there have been a few reports of merfolk promising vengeance for the pollution of the seas.'
'Well,' said Garrett, 'this woman puts seawater and trash everywhere. That's got to be a mermaid!'
'It seems likely,' said Egon. 'My research hasn't turned up any better explanation. And you say she looks just like a regular woman, legs and all. Fascinating.'
'Is that right, Roland?' Garrett asked. 'A regular woman from top to toe? I'm sorry I missed that.'
'She was decent, Garrett,' Roland said severely. 'Well, more or less.'
'Are you sure you can't be more specific about the accent?' asked Egon.
'Sorry,' said Roland. 'I'm not very good with accents. Irish, Scottish, something like that? But listen, Egon, I can't believe she's evil. I think she needs help.'
'Oh, come on, Roland,' said Garrett. 'Just because she looks nice in a towel...'
'Garrett,' said Roland, 'you know me better than that. This Andrew Hunter guy is a jerk! Lucille's probably just trashing everything because she doesn't want to be with him.'
'Then why is she?' asked Garrett.
'I don't know!' said Roland, in tones of enormous frustration.
'It could be that he has her under some kind of enchantment,' said Egon. 'Come to think of it, I believe I have read something about men enslaving beautiful women from the sea, but as far as I recall it's all completely unsubstantiated.'
'What's this about beautiful women?' Janine asked, entering the vicinity with Slimer bobbing along in the air behind her. 'Should I be jealous?'
'Never, Janine,' said Egon. 'We were just discussing mermaids. Roland, Eduardo and Kylie believe they found one in a man's penthouse apartment this morning, but they say they can't be sure. Perhaps I'd better go and take a look at her. Um, I mean...'
'I know what you mean,' said Janine, smiling slightly.
'Can I go with you, Egon?' asked Roland.
'She's cast some kind of spell on you, dude,' said Garrett.
'She has not!' said Roland.
Slimer sniggered, and sang in his high-pitched babble, 'Roland's in lo-ove!'
'Stop it, children,' said Janine. 'Egon, before you go, I have the department store manager on hold. He wants to speak to you. Apparently someone promised that all the dry-clean only underwear would magically go back to normal, and he wants to know what's taking so long.'
'I didn't promise,' Roland said apologetically to Egon.
'Give me a minute to deal with this, Roland,' said Egon, getting to his feet. 'Then we'll go and see about this mermaid of yours.'
'Accounts of merfolk sightings are extremely varied,' said Egon, 'and goodness knows how much they've been coloured by the various afflictions one might face on a long sea voyage. Some legends say that merfolk can conjure storms at sea, and they have powers of divination. The idea that one would come onto the land and damage human dwellings is completely unprecedented, although there have been a few reports of merfolk promising vengeance for the pollution of the seas.'
'Well,' said Garrett, 'this woman puts seawater and trash everywhere. That's got to be a mermaid!'
'It seems likely,' said Egon. 'My research hasn't turned up any better explanation. And you say she looks just like a regular woman, legs and all. Fascinating.'
'Is that right, Roland?' Garrett asked. 'A regular woman from top to toe? I'm sorry I missed that.'
'She was decent, Garrett,' Roland said severely. 'Well, more or less.'
'Are you sure you can't be more specific about the accent?' asked Egon.
'Sorry,' said Roland. 'I'm not very good with accents. Irish, Scottish, something like that? But listen, Egon, I can't believe she's evil. I think she needs help.'
'Oh, come on, Roland,' said Garrett. 'Just because she looks nice in a towel...'
'Garrett,' said Roland, 'you know me better than that. This Andrew Hunter guy is a jerk! Lucille's probably just trashing everything because she doesn't want to be with him.'
'Then why is she?' asked Garrett.
'I don't know!' said Roland, in tones of enormous frustration.
'It could be that he has her under some kind of enchantment,' said Egon. 'Come to think of it, I believe I have read something about men enslaving beautiful women from the sea, but as far as I recall it's all completely unsubstantiated.'
'What's this about beautiful women?' Janine asked, entering the vicinity with Slimer bobbing along in the air behind her. 'Should I be jealous?'
'Never, Janine,' said Egon. 'We were just discussing mermaids. Roland, Eduardo and Kylie believe they found one in a man's penthouse apartment this morning, but they say they can't be sure. Perhaps I'd better go and take a look at her. Um, I mean...'
'I know what you mean,' said Janine, smiling slightly.
'Can I go with you, Egon?' asked Roland.
'She's cast some kind of spell on you, dude,' said Garrett.
'She has not!' said Roland.
Slimer sniggered, and sang in his high-pitched babble, 'Roland's in lo-ove!'
'Stop it, children,' said Janine. 'Egon, before you go, I have the department store manager on hold. He wants to speak to you. Apparently someone promised that all the dry-clean only underwear would magically go back to normal, and he wants to know what's taking so long.'
'I didn't promise,' Roland said apologetically to Egon.
'Give me a minute to deal with this, Roland,' said Egon, getting to his feet. 'Then we'll go and see about this mermaid of yours.'
Kylie was sitting on the couch with a heavy tome in her lap when Eduardo came in from the kitchen with an empty soda can, which he tossed into the bin. He then went to stand behind Kylie, looked down at what she was reading and said, 'I like her.'
'Sure you do,' said Kylie, with a dry smile. 'It's easy enough to have a perfect body when you're a drawing.' She turned the page. 'See? He's nice too.'
'Yeah?' Eduardo looked at the illustration of a well-built man standing ankle-deep in water next to a boat. 'You'd be okay with him docking in your harbour, huh?'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'maybe not. He's a selkie.' She turned back to the previous page. 'So is she.'
'A selkie,' Eduardo said. 'Okay, got it. Y en inglés, por favor?'
'Merpeople who can walk on land,' said Kylie. 'It's all here – try reading it for yourself. Or are you still on chapter books?'
Eduardo stooped over, leaned his elbows on the back of the couch and read, 'When in their skins, at sea or on land, selkies are indistinguishable from common seals.'
'Very good,' said Kylie.
'So these things can take off their seal skins, and then they just look like regular people?'
'Yep.'
Eduardo carried on skimming on the page. 'Then guys come and steal their skins and hide them, so the selkies can't return to the sea and they have to marry the guys. Well... they don't have to.'
'Maybe they can't think of anything better to do.'
'I can,' said Eduardo. 'How about, find her skin and get the heck outta there? What about your chico on the next page? Does anyone steal his seal skin?'
'Not according to this book,' said Kylie. 'It says he can bring human women under his spell, but there's nothing about stealing his skin or marrying him. In fact, it says he particularly likes women who are already married and aren't happy with their husbands.'
'So male and female selkies have the same effect on people, but no matter which one is the selkie and which one is human, it's always the man who has the power. That don't sound right.'
'This book isn't necessarily right about everything. The legend reflects the time in which it was written, and that must have been centuries ago.'
'Okay,' said Eduardo, 'I get it. These seal people could easily be real, but it's probably not true that the guys are all jerks and the girls are all doormats. Maybe they both just come onto the land to get some exercise, and some people find them... you know...'
'...alluring,' said Kylie.
'Yeah.'
'How's it going?' Roland asked loudly, appearing at the top of the stairs.
'Um,' Eduardo said, rising quickly to his full height and taking a step back from the couch. 'It's going great, man. I mean, this selkie stuff seems to fit. Right, Kylie?'
'I don't know,' said Kylie. 'It says here that selkies are a peaceful race, and it doesn't say anything about them having magical powers, like the more traditional brand of mermaid.'
'Can I see that?' Roland said, sitting down beside Kylie and holding his hands out for the book. She gave it to him.
'But all these mermaid legends have the same roots, don't they?' said Eduardo. 'Why shouldn't these selkie things have the same powers as the others? And why shouldn't some of them be evil? We were just talking about bias – maybe they're not victims at all.'
'But Lucille is a victim!' said Roland, running his eyes over the page. 'You met that Hunter guy. Maybe she's just doing all this because she's angry and frustrated.'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'you may be right. We can't rule out everything else, though.'
'What everything else?' asked Eduardo.
'Like maybe she's the regular kind of mermaid,' said Kylie, 'and they actually can walk on land. Or maybe she's not a mermaid at all.'
'But it all fits!' Roland insisted. 'Look, you've read this stuff about men stealing the seal skins and forcing the selkies to marry them. Remember, Lucille told Hunter she'd find something? And... oh my gosh, you guys – she even said he'd hidden her coat!'
Eduardo and Kylie exchanged a look. Then Eduardo said, 'You convinced me, man. Lucille the seal. Why not?'
'And what about the accent?' Roland went on. 'It says here that the legends come from Scotland, Ireland and the Faroe Islands in the Norwegian Sea.'
'I don't think she's Norwegian,' said Kylie, 'but Scottish or Irish seems right. Okay, so she's a selkie, maybe. That still doesn't tell us what to do about her.'
'Sure it does,' said Roland, bundling the book into Kylie's arms and getting to his feet. 'Egon must be done talking to that manager person by now,' and he made his way to the staircase.
'Sure you do,' said Kylie, with a dry smile. 'It's easy enough to have a perfect body when you're a drawing.' She turned the page. 'See? He's nice too.'
'Yeah?' Eduardo looked at the illustration of a well-built man standing ankle-deep in water next to a boat. 'You'd be okay with him docking in your harbour, huh?'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'maybe not. He's a selkie.' She turned back to the previous page. 'So is she.'
'A selkie,' Eduardo said. 'Okay, got it. Y en inglés, por favor?'
'Merpeople who can walk on land,' said Kylie. 'It's all here – try reading it for yourself. Or are you still on chapter books?'
Eduardo stooped over, leaned his elbows on the back of the couch and read, 'When in their skins, at sea or on land, selkies are indistinguishable from common seals.'
'Very good,' said Kylie.
'So these things can take off their seal skins, and then they just look like regular people?'
'Yep.'
Eduardo carried on skimming on the page. 'Then guys come and steal their skins and hide them, so the selkies can't return to the sea and they have to marry the guys. Well... they don't have to.'
'Maybe they can't think of anything better to do.'
'I can,' said Eduardo. 'How about, find her skin and get the heck outta there? What about your chico on the next page? Does anyone steal his seal skin?'
'Not according to this book,' said Kylie. 'It says he can bring human women under his spell, but there's nothing about stealing his skin or marrying him. In fact, it says he particularly likes women who are already married and aren't happy with their husbands.'
'So male and female selkies have the same effect on people, but no matter which one is the selkie and which one is human, it's always the man who has the power. That don't sound right.'
'This book isn't necessarily right about everything. The legend reflects the time in which it was written, and that must have been centuries ago.'
'Okay,' said Eduardo, 'I get it. These seal people could easily be real, but it's probably not true that the guys are all jerks and the girls are all doormats. Maybe they both just come onto the land to get some exercise, and some people find them... you know...'
'...alluring,' said Kylie.
'Yeah.'
'How's it going?' Roland asked loudly, appearing at the top of the stairs.
'Um,' Eduardo said, rising quickly to his full height and taking a step back from the couch. 'It's going great, man. I mean, this selkie stuff seems to fit. Right, Kylie?'
'I don't know,' said Kylie. 'It says here that selkies are a peaceful race, and it doesn't say anything about them having magical powers, like the more traditional brand of mermaid.'
'Can I see that?' Roland said, sitting down beside Kylie and holding his hands out for the book. She gave it to him.
'But all these mermaid legends have the same roots, don't they?' said Eduardo. 'Why shouldn't these selkie things have the same powers as the others? And why shouldn't some of them be evil? We were just talking about bias – maybe they're not victims at all.'
'But Lucille is a victim!' said Roland, running his eyes over the page. 'You met that Hunter guy. Maybe she's just doing all this because she's angry and frustrated.'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'you may be right. We can't rule out everything else, though.'
'What everything else?' asked Eduardo.
'Like maybe she's the regular kind of mermaid,' said Kylie, 'and they actually can walk on land. Or maybe she's not a mermaid at all.'
'But it all fits!' Roland insisted. 'Look, you've read this stuff about men stealing the seal skins and forcing the selkies to marry them. Remember, Lucille told Hunter she'd find something? And... oh my gosh, you guys – she even said he'd hidden her coat!'
Eduardo and Kylie exchanged a look. Then Eduardo said, 'You convinced me, man. Lucille the seal. Why not?'
'And what about the accent?' Roland went on. 'It says here that the legends come from Scotland, Ireland and the Faroe Islands in the Norwegian Sea.'
'I don't think she's Norwegian,' said Kylie, 'but Scottish or Irish seems right. Okay, so she's a selkie, maybe. That still doesn't tell us what to do about her.'
'Sure it does,' said Roland, bundling the book into Kylie's arms and getting to his feet. 'Egon must be done talking to that manager person by now,' and he made his way to the staircase.
Egon, now wearing his jumpsuit, drove the Ecto-1 to Andrew's apartment with Roland in the passenger seat.
'She has to be a selkie, Egon,' Roland said. 'How else can you explain all that stuff about her coat?'
'I can't,' said Egon, 'but then I haven't met them yet. You may be right, of course. We'll see.'
He pulled up outside the apartment block, and both men got out of the car. The PKE meters started humming, and Egon took his out to look at.
'Still brimming with ecto,' said Roland. 'I knew any ordinary woman could control the temperature on a shower!'
'Do you have any idea what you want to say to this Hunter character?' asked Egon.
'Well,' said Roland, 'not exactly.'
'Then you'd better let me do the talking. All right, Roland?'
'Do you think it's right, what he's doing?'
'I don't know what he's doing. Let's try to keep an open mind, shall we? Come on.'
Egon gave Roland an encouraging smile, then led the way to the apartment block, but had to stop to talk to the doorman. Roland hung back, leaning against the closed passenger door of the Ecto-1.
'Good afternoon,' Egon said to the doorman. 'My name is Professor Egon Spengler. I understand you spoke to some of my employees earlier today. Would you mind telling me if there's been any more unusual activity since they left?'
'Nothing,' said the doorman. 'This place is already as wet and filthy as it can be. Listen, Professor Spengler, would you mind explaining it to the super? I can't, and he's really mad at me.'
'Just as soon as I figure out what's going on,' Egon said, 'the building superintendent will be the first to know.'
Roland, meanwhile, was still leaning against the car and looking pensively down at the floor. He looked up, however, when a bar of soap landed at his feet. He saw Lucille (with clothes on) waving at him from one of the top floor windows.
'ROLAND!' she called.
Roland waved his arms in a halting gesture, and put his forefinger to his lips to indicate that she should be quiet. He then jabbed the same finger towards the fire escape, and said in a stage whisper that she couldn't possibly hear, 'Fire escape!'
'WHAT?' yelled Lucille.
He made the shushing gesture again, then headed for the fire escape and began to climb up.
'She has to be a selkie, Egon,' Roland said. 'How else can you explain all that stuff about her coat?'
'I can't,' said Egon, 'but then I haven't met them yet. You may be right, of course. We'll see.'
He pulled up outside the apartment block, and both men got out of the car. The PKE meters started humming, and Egon took his out to look at.
'Still brimming with ecto,' said Roland. 'I knew any ordinary woman could control the temperature on a shower!'
'Do you have any idea what you want to say to this Hunter character?' asked Egon.
'Well,' said Roland, 'not exactly.'
'Then you'd better let me do the talking. All right, Roland?'
'Do you think it's right, what he's doing?'
'I don't know what he's doing. Let's try to keep an open mind, shall we? Come on.'
Egon gave Roland an encouraging smile, then led the way to the apartment block, but had to stop to talk to the doorman. Roland hung back, leaning against the closed passenger door of the Ecto-1.
'Good afternoon,' Egon said to the doorman. 'My name is Professor Egon Spengler. I understand you spoke to some of my employees earlier today. Would you mind telling me if there's been any more unusual activity since they left?'
'Nothing,' said the doorman. 'This place is already as wet and filthy as it can be. Listen, Professor Spengler, would you mind explaining it to the super? I can't, and he's really mad at me.'
'Just as soon as I figure out what's going on,' Egon said, 'the building superintendent will be the first to know.'
Roland, meanwhile, was still leaning against the car and looking pensively down at the floor. He looked up, however, when a bar of soap landed at his feet. He saw Lucille (with clothes on) waving at him from one of the top floor windows.
'ROLAND!' she called.
Roland waved his arms in a halting gesture, and put his forefinger to his lips to indicate that she should be quiet. He then jabbed the same finger towards the fire escape, and said in a stage whisper that she couldn't possibly hear, 'Fire escape!'
'WHAT?' yelled Lucille.
He made the shushing gesture again, then headed for the fire escape and began to climb up.
Andrew was on the phone, waiting for someone to pick up and end the ceaseless ringing, when his doorbell rang. Sighing heavily, he hung up and went to answer the summons.
'Oh,' he said, when he saw Egon on the threshold. 'Another Ghostbuster.'
'Yes, another,' Egon said, looking behind him, and showing no reaction to finding himself alone in the hall. He turned back to Andrew. 'Good afternoon, Mr Hunter. I wonder if you can explain to me why your apartment is brimming with psychokinetic energy.'
'It's not,' said Andrew. 'Your equipment's faulty.'
Egon frowned. 'I can assure you, it isn't. Please listen to me, Mr Hunter. I am almost certain that the young woman you have staying with you is a demon. A selkie, to be precise, which simply put is a type of mermaid. Having seen for myself the extent of the damage she has done, I'm quite certain that she means business. Mr Hunter, you really must cooperate, or this creature is likely to do something bad.'
Behind Andrew, Lucille appeared from another room, and her face lit up with joy at something that Egon couldn't see. She waved, ran across the room out of sight and then reappeared moments later, looking frantically around her.
'You Ghostbusters are all crazy,' said Andrew, as Lucille crossed the room behind him carrying a heavy-looking dining chair. 'Get out of here right now or I'm calling the police.'
Suddenly, there came the most tremendous smashing sound. Egon looked past Andrew, frowning, but with no hint of surprise.
Andrew turned in the doorway. 'What the...?'
'Oh,' he said, when he saw Egon on the threshold. 'Another Ghostbuster.'
'Yes, another,' Egon said, looking behind him, and showing no reaction to finding himself alone in the hall. He turned back to Andrew. 'Good afternoon, Mr Hunter. I wonder if you can explain to me why your apartment is brimming with psychokinetic energy.'
'It's not,' said Andrew. 'Your equipment's faulty.'
Egon frowned. 'I can assure you, it isn't. Please listen to me, Mr Hunter. I am almost certain that the young woman you have staying with you is a demon. A selkie, to be precise, which simply put is a type of mermaid. Having seen for myself the extent of the damage she has done, I'm quite certain that she means business. Mr Hunter, you really must cooperate, or this creature is likely to do something bad.'
Behind Andrew, Lucille appeared from another room, and her face lit up with joy at something that Egon couldn't see. She waved, ran across the room out of sight and then reappeared moments later, looking frantically around her.
'You Ghostbusters are all crazy,' said Andrew, as Lucille crossed the room behind him carrying a heavy-looking dining chair. 'Get out of here right now or I'm calling the police.'
Suddenly, there came the most tremendous smashing sound. Egon looked past Andrew, frowning, but with no hint of surprise.
Andrew turned in the doorway. 'What the...?'
Roland jumped down two steps, ducked and covered his head as broken glass rained down on him. Breathless with excitement, Lucille jumped out of the window, leaped down the first few steps of the fire escape and yelled, 'Roland, run!'
Roland ran.
Roland ran.
Andrew rushed to his window and
stared down at the fire escape, from which there rose the sound of
running footsteps on metal.
'Stupid girl!' he said, as Egon drew up behind him at a more leisurely pace.
'You aren't going to pursue her?' Egon asked.
'She has nowhere to go,' said Andrew. 'She'll come back. She can't do anything worthwhile without my help.'
'Well now,' said Egon, 'perhaps we should go after her. If you'll kindly follow me,' and he began climbing out of the broken window and onto the fire escape.
'Why don't we take the elevator?' asked Andrew.
'Quickly, Mr Hunter, if you please!' Egon's voice called up to him and, for whatever reason, Andrew obeyed it.
The two men arrived on the ground just in time to see the Ecto-1 disappearing round a corner.
'Do you have a car, Mr Hunter?' asked Egon.
'No,' said Andrew.
'Hmm. This could be bad.'
'Stupid girl!' he said, as Egon drew up behind him at a more leisurely pace.
'You aren't going to pursue her?' Egon asked.
'She has nowhere to go,' said Andrew. 'She'll come back. She can't do anything worthwhile without my help.'
'Well now,' said Egon, 'perhaps we should go after her. If you'll kindly follow me,' and he began climbing out of the broken window and onto the fire escape.
'Why don't we take the elevator?' asked Andrew.
'Quickly, Mr Hunter, if you please!' Egon's voice called up to him and, for whatever reason, Andrew obeyed it.
The two men arrived on the ground just in time to see the Ecto-1 disappearing round a corner.
'Do you have a car, Mr Hunter?' asked Egon.
'No,' said Andrew.
'Hmm. This could be bad.'
A short time later, Roland and Lucille were at the waterfront and getting out of the Ecto-1. For once, Roland left his proton pack in the car.
'Okay,' he said, 'you'd better lead the way. If you last saw it somewhere here, and Hunter hasn't left you since, he couldn't have taken it very far.'
'You're so clever to have worked it out,' Lucille said, grabbing Roland's arm with both hands and gazing up at him like a woman smitten.
'Oh,' Roland said, with a bashful smile, 'no I'm not. It's part of my job, really.'
'Are we going to use your thing?' asked Lucille.
'My what?'
'That gadget of yours, which told you I wasnae human.'
'Oh.' He took out his PKE meter. 'Well, it might be a help, but then it is picking up your reading all the time.'
She frowned. 'Then how by the Broch of Gurness are we supposed to find my skin?'
'It's a beach,' said Roland. 'There are only so many places he could have hidden it. He didn't bury it in the sand, did he? He would have put it somewhere safe. You know, Lucille, there's a method for finding things that anyone can use. Take me to the spot where you last saw it.'
'Aye, all right,' Lucille said, and she began to make her way over the sand. 'Now where are all the people then, Roland?'
'They don't really come here in the winter.'
'Andrew does. What was he doing here in the middle of the night, anyroad?'
'He must have been in a boat or something,' said Roland, 'to protect him from the elements. Why were you here? You seem like you're a long way from home.'
'Aye,' said Lucille, 'I am that. I come from Orkney.'
'I don't know where that is.'
'It's a Scottish island group. I used to flap around the coasts, mostly keeping my seal skin on. There's nae much sunbathing to be done on the Orkney Isles, even in summer. Did you never want to run away from home, Roland?'
'No.'
'It was better than this, mind. Scotsmen used to claim us selkie folk as wives betimes, but not anymore. Either they've stopped believing, or they've become too civilised. I never imagined it would happen here. Roland, how did he know?'
'I guess he must have read about it,' said Roland. 'Some people are interested in that stuff. My friend Kylie reads everything about the paranormal.'
'The wee lass wi' the face ay a shade? She's nae Andrew Hunter.'
'I guess not. So, is your name really Lucille?'
'Seal folk have nae names until we come to land,' said Lucille. 'Then the menfolk give them. Lucille will do for you. There now, this is the place.'
They approached the pile of garbage, where a seagull was pecking at the half-eaten ice cream cone.
'Someone must have been here in the winter, Roland, and left their filth to the poor ocean.'
'Maybe it was Hunter,' said Roland. 'And I was right, see? There are cabin cruisers moored over there. If you wait here, I can go see if my PKE meter picks up your seal skin.'
'Aye, all right.'
Roland jogged over to the jetty where the boats were moored, and Lucille watched as he began hunting among them with his PKE meter. Soon enough, he stopped at one boat in particular. He hesitated a moment, then waved Lucille over. She ran like the wind.
'Is this it? Is it there?' she asked breathlessly, and leaped up onto the deck to peer through the cabin window.
'Yes,' said Roland, 'and we can be sure of that – the reading matches yours.'
'We have to get inside!'
'Well... I don't want to damage somebody's boat.'
'Only Andrew's! He deserves to have his boat broken!'
'But are we absolutely sure it's his?' asked Roland.
'Of course we are!' cried Lucille. 'You said it yourself – he must have been in here when he saw me and came to take my skin! Who else's could it be? I have to get in there!'
She jumped down onto the sand, sprinted along the beach and returned moments later with a massive rock. She threw it at the glass. It bounced off and landed at the shoreline.
'I'm nae strong enough,' Lucille said, jumping into the shallow water to retrieve her rock. She found it, held it out to Roland and said, 'You do it.'
Roland stared at her. 'But... you managed to break the window in the apartment!'
'The glass mustnae have been as strong. Come on – are you helping me or are you nae?'
'I... yes, of course I am.'
Roland took the rock from her, braced himself and then hurled the thing with all his might. He obliterated the cabin window on his first attempt, and flinched at the sound of breaking glass. Lucille jumped up and down, whooping and laughing maniacally. Then she leaped up onto the boat and through the smashed window. There came some scuffling sounds, and seconds later a seal flopped out of the boat and plopped into the water. Roland allowed himself a moment to stare after her, open-mouthed as though he had more to say to her.
When the moment was over, he turned with a sigh and began to wend his weary way back along the beach. He watched his feet, but looked up at the sound of several car doors slamming, and saw to his surprise that they were the doors of his own blue Mustang.
'Okay,' he said, 'you'd better lead the way. If you last saw it somewhere here, and Hunter hasn't left you since, he couldn't have taken it very far.'
'You're so clever to have worked it out,' Lucille said, grabbing Roland's arm with both hands and gazing up at him like a woman smitten.
'Oh,' Roland said, with a bashful smile, 'no I'm not. It's part of my job, really.'
'Are we going to use your thing?' asked Lucille.
'My what?'
'That gadget of yours, which told you I wasnae human.'
'Oh.' He took out his PKE meter. 'Well, it might be a help, but then it is picking up your reading all the time.'
She frowned. 'Then how by the Broch of Gurness are we supposed to find my skin?'
'It's a beach,' said Roland. 'There are only so many places he could have hidden it. He didn't bury it in the sand, did he? He would have put it somewhere safe. You know, Lucille, there's a method for finding things that anyone can use. Take me to the spot where you last saw it.'
'Aye, all right,' Lucille said, and she began to make her way over the sand. 'Now where are all the people then, Roland?'
'They don't really come here in the winter.'
'Andrew does. What was he doing here in the middle of the night, anyroad?'
'He must have been in a boat or something,' said Roland, 'to protect him from the elements. Why were you here? You seem like you're a long way from home.'
'Aye,' said Lucille, 'I am that. I come from Orkney.'
'I don't know where that is.'
'It's a Scottish island group. I used to flap around the coasts, mostly keeping my seal skin on. There's nae much sunbathing to be done on the Orkney Isles, even in summer. Did you never want to run away from home, Roland?'
'No.'
'It was better than this, mind. Scotsmen used to claim us selkie folk as wives betimes, but not anymore. Either they've stopped believing, or they've become too civilised. I never imagined it would happen here. Roland, how did he know?'
'I guess he must have read about it,' said Roland. 'Some people are interested in that stuff. My friend Kylie reads everything about the paranormal.'
'The wee lass wi' the face ay a shade? She's nae Andrew Hunter.'
'I guess not. So, is your name really Lucille?'
'Seal folk have nae names until we come to land,' said Lucille. 'Then the menfolk give them. Lucille will do for you. There now, this is the place.'
They approached the pile of garbage, where a seagull was pecking at the half-eaten ice cream cone.
'Someone must have been here in the winter, Roland, and left their filth to the poor ocean.'
'Maybe it was Hunter,' said Roland. 'And I was right, see? There are cabin cruisers moored over there. If you wait here, I can go see if my PKE meter picks up your seal skin.'
'Aye, all right.'
Roland jogged over to the jetty where the boats were moored, and Lucille watched as he began hunting among them with his PKE meter. Soon enough, he stopped at one boat in particular. He hesitated a moment, then waved Lucille over. She ran like the wind.
'Is this it? Is it there?' she asked breathlessly, and leaped up onto the deck to peer through the cabin window.
'Yes,' said Roland, 'and we can be sure of that – the reading matches yours.'
'We have to get inside!'
'Well... I don't want to damage somebody's boat.'
'Only Andrew's! He deserves to have his boat broken!'
'But are we absolutely sure it's his?' asked Roland.
'Of course we are!' cried Lucille. 'You said it yourself – he must have been in here when he saw me and came to take my skin! Who else's could it be? I have to get in there!'
She jumped down onto the sand, sprinted along the beach and returned moments later with a massive rock. She threw it at the glass. It bounced off and landed at the shoreline.
'I'm nae strong enough,' Lucille said, jumping into the shallow water to retrieve her rock. She found it, held it out to Roland and said, 'You do it.'
Roland stared at her. 'But... you managed to break the window in the apartment!'
'The glass mustnae have been as strong. Come on – are you helping me or are you nae?'
'I... yes, of course I am.'
Roland took the rock from her, braced himself and then hurled the thing with all his might. He obliterated the cabin window on his first attempt, and flinched at the sound of breaking glass. Lucille jumped up and down, whooping and laughing maniacally. Then she leaped up onto the boat and through the smashed window. There came some scuffling sounds, and seconds later a seal flopped out of the boat and plopped into the water. Roland allowed himself a moment to stare after her, open-mouthed as though he had more to say to her.
When the moment was over, he turned with a sigh and began to wend his weary way back along the beach. He watched his feet, but looked up at the sound of several car doors slamming, and saw to his surprise that they were the doors of his own blue Mustang.
Egon, Eduardo, Kylie and Andrew poured out of Roland's car. Eduardo retrieved Garrett's wheelchair from the boot. While Garrett was getting into it, Andrew ran along the beach, yelling, 'You idiot – what have you done?'
'Hey!' Garrett called after him. 'Lay off, will you?'
'I had to do it,' Roland said, as Andrew came to a stop in front of him. Not far behind were Egon, Eduardo and Kylie. Garrett hung back, apparently not wanting to try his wheelchair on the sand.
'Roland,' said Egon, 'that was incredibly rash of you. She's already shown that she means business.'
'She was just mad at Andrew,' said Roland. 'She'll go home now and live in peace. Look, if you're worried about the dry-clean only clothes and stuff that got ruined, you can take it out of my salary for the rest of my life.'
'Don't worry about the clothes, Roland,' said Kylie. 'The store can afford it. We came to stop you from helping her leave. If we're too late, we're too late.'
'You could have waited for us, man,' Eduardo added. 'No one was saying we'd let Andrew keep her if she really was just a victim.'
'Well,' said Roland, 'she was, and now she's safely back –'
'Hey, guys!' Garrett yelled. 'Cut the chat, will you? Aren't you seeing this?'
Egon, Eduardo, Kylie and Andrew looked up. Roland turned to face the water. Out of it was rising an impressive collection of everyday litter, flotsam and jetsam and a bubbling mass of some viscous black substance. All of it was riding on the crest of an enormous wave towards the land.
'Oh my,' said Egon. 'I was right. This is bad. We're going to need a boat.'
'No problem,' Roland said, and he led the way to Andrew's cabin cruiser. Andrew brought up the rear, and scrambled onto the deck just before the mass of garbage reached his feet. Garrett made his way along the jetty, transferred himself neatly onto one of the boat's wooden benches and pulled his wheelchair in after him. Roland helped him to fold it up.
'Hey!' said Andrew. 'The window's broken! Did you break my window?' He frowned at Roland.
'Only to retrieve stolen property,' Roland said. 'Just like Lucille broke your living room window to escape unlawful imprisonment.'
'You'll have to pay for the repair,' said Andrew. 'Do you know how much this boat is worth? And you're responsible for the living room window too – you climbed the fire escape to get to her!'
'Mr Hunter,' said Egon, looking up from his PKE meter, 'you can worry about your windows later. At present, I suggest we start pursuing the entity. If you drive the boat, I'll tell you where to go.'
'And you can lay off Roland while you're at it,' said Garrett, as Andrew started the boat with one last evil look at Roland. 'What did you think you were doing, anyway, stealing her skin and forcing her to live with you?'
'She's evil,' said Andrew.
'Not evil,' said Kylie. 'Vengeful.'
'And I bet you didn't know that at the time,' Eduardo added.
'Or did you?' Kylie asked doubtfully. 'Are you about to tell us you're some kind of Van Helsing for mermaids, and you only stole her skin to protect the world from her evil powers?'
'Well,' said Andrew, 'maybe I am!'
'What a crock,' said Garrett.
'Lay off him, you guys,' said Roland, slumping onto a bench, picking a spot on the port side a few inches away from Garrett. 'It doesn't matter now.'
Garrett looked at him, and then turned his gaze onto Eduardo and Kylie, his eyes commanding them to come and cheer Roland up. They exchanged a look, then put away their PKE meters and went to sit down opposite their downhearted comrade.
'Don't feel bad, Roland,' said Kylie. 'It says in my book that mermaids have a hypnotic effect on land men. It wasn't your fault.'
'Right,' said Eduardo. 'Kylie probably would've done the same thing if it'd been the dude in the picture she likes.'
Kylie frowned at him. Eduardo gave her an innocent look and tilted his head towards the moping Roland, so she relented and said, 'Yeah, I probably would've. Maybe. He's hot.'
'And she's hot too,' said Eduardo. 'Lucille is, I mean. I totally get it, man.'
Roland looked up at last, frowned and said, 'What do you two think I am? It wasn't like that! I felt sorry for her! I was trying to do the right thing! Is that so hard for you people to understand?'
'Good going, guys,' said Garrett.
'Well,' said Eduardo, 'where's your pearls of wisdom, huh?'
'Here's one,' said Garrett. 'Don't judge by your own standards. I never thought she'd bewitched you, dude,' he added, turning to Roland.
'Yes you did,' said Roland. 'You thought of it first.'
'Sorry, Roland,' said Kylie. 'It's just that... well, it's not like you to be so rash if you're not under a spell or something. But I can see why you felt that way. Lucille may be burying the entire planet in trash, but that doesn't excuse what Hunter did to her. Don't feel bad for trying to do the right thing.'
Roland dropped his gaze back to the boat deck.
'He can't help how he's feeling,' Eduardo said, getting to his feet. 'The dude needs space. So what's going on now?' He approached the boat's controls. 'Have we found her yet?'
'Not quite,' said Egon, who was standing and looking over Andrew's shoulder at the litter-strewn ocean. 'Mr Hunter is having some trouble manoeuvring the boat through all this waste matter.'
'Why am I helping you, anyway?' Andrew asked irritably. 'I know what you're going to do. You're going to put her in your ghost storage thing, aren't you?'
'Yes,' said Egon, frowning at his PKE meter.
'Why do you ask?' Eduardo said aggressively. 'Do you got a better idea?'
'We can be pretty sure she doesn't want to marry you,' Kylie added, appearing at Eduardo's side.
'Been doing your homework, have you?' Andrew asked, looking over his shoulder at her with a sneer that made Eduardo's scowl deepen. 'Books don't know everything, and they sure as heck don't know me. I'm not desperate for a girlfriend, and I don't want a wife.'
'Then what?' asked Kylie.
'That's none of your business, girlie.'
'Hey, man, watch it,' said Eduardo.
'Well,' said Kylie, putting a calming hand on Eduardo's arm, 'if you don't want to tell us because what you had planned for her is worse...'
'No worse than what you have planned for her!' Andrew snapped. Then he sighed, and said, 'About three years ago, I thought I saw a mermaid, and I told this friend of mine who happens to own an aquarium. He laughed at me, obviously, and then he said that if I could catch a mermaid for him he'd pay through the nose. So what if he was joking? I know he'd do it, if I actually came up with the goods, so I've been looking ever since. That's why I was on the beach last night. I read about selkies when I was doing my research, but I never thought I'd see that kind here. That was lucky.'
Kylie snorted with derision, and said, 'Lucky for who?'
'Don't defend her,' said Andrew. 'Look at what she's doing!' He flung out his arm to indicate.
'She could do this in your friend's aquarium,' said Egon, looking up from his PKE meter. 'I believe she'd destroy the place and then make her escape, if she had her seal skin. Being without it seemed to diminish her power. On the other hand, if you intended to keep her skin hidden, how would you expect people to accept her as a mermaid?'
'She's not supposed to look like one with the skin either,' said Eduardo. 'She's supposed to just look like a regular seal.'
'She looks exactly like a regular seal,' Roland said, as he joined the group of standees. 'I hope there aren't any other selkies around here, or we'll never find the right one.'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'she did come all the way from Ireland or somewhere.'
'Scotland,' said Roland, his gaze dropping to his feet. 'The Orkney Islands, she said.'
'Don't look so down, man,' said Eduardo, giving Roland a hearty clap on the back that he didn't seem to appreciate. 'Y'know, if you hadn't found her skin, we wouldn't be able to trap her. Would we?' He looked at Egon. 'Because she'd be incomplete. That's always happening to us.'
'You may be right,' said Egon. 'But she has her skin now, and we can trap her. We're getting close.'
'We're in cleaner water now,' said Andrew. 'She's handling much better.'
'We're in cleaner water because the selkie is sending everything to the land,' said Egon. 'I must say, I'm sorry it's likely to return to the ocean once we've trapped her... but needs must, I suppose. We're very close now. We're almost on top of her.'
'What's going on?' Garrett called from the benches.
Kylie turned, and called back, 'We're almost on top of her!'
Garrett, reaching for his gun, smirked and said, 'Lucky us.'
'She must be submerged,' said Egon, 'but that's all right. She'll have to come up for air.'
Eduardo stood ready on the starboard side with his gun in his hands, and Kylie unhooked the trap from her back. Garrett sat ready to fire from the port side while Roland stood by, weaponless.
'Tell me when she comes up,' said Garrett. 'I don't want to nuke an innocent seal.'
Kylie turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow, and said, 'Do you care that much?'
'Sure I do,' said Garrett. 'Seals are way cute!'
'There she is!' Egon said, pointing straight ahead. Neither Eduardo nor Garrett could get a clear shot from either side of the boat, so Kylie began trying to scramble onto the roof. Eduardo saw what she was doing and gave her a gentle shove.
'Thanks,' Kylie said, pulling herself up into a kneeling position, and grabbing onto a useful rail with her left hand. With her right, she fired her gun at the seal, which at once ducked under the water.
'Rats!' she said. 'Egon, how long before she has to come up again for air?'
'We can't be certain of that,' said Egon. 'It could be as much as half an hour.'
'Are you kidding?' said Andrew. 'Running this thing costs money, you know!'
'Hey, man, shut up,' said Eduardo.
Then Roland said, quite calmly, 'I guess I'd better go look for her,' kicked off his boots and dived into the water.
Everyone stared for a moment. Then Eduardo said, 'Guy's gone loco.'
'You would have done the same thing,' said Kylie, still kneeling on the roof.
'Maybe,' said Eduardo, 'but you guys would've made me feel even worse than he does. Can you imagine what you'd say if I'd been the one to let her go?'
'Well, yeah,' said Kylie, throwing him a facetious look over her shoulder, 'but you wouldn't have done it out of kindness.'
Eduardo scowled.
'There they are!' Garrett yelled, pointing, as Roland and Lucille the seal appeared flailing together in the water.
'How do you force a seal to the surface, anyway?' asked Eduardo.
'Like you'll ever need to know that,' said Kylie. 'Roland, move! We can't get a clean shot!'
Roland moved, pushing the seal away from him with some force.
'Do you really think the world deserves this, Lucille?' he asked, in anguished tones, treading water as he spoke. 'It's not all of us! Most people are good!'
The seal wriggled, then suddenly Lucille's human face appeared among the folds of seal fur and said, 'I dinnae even believe that some people are good!'
'Of course they are!' said Roland. 'What about me? I helped you!'
'And what are you doing now?'
'I don't have a choice. I can't let you do this. But if you'll just stop it, we –'
'You're as bad as the rest,' Lucille spat. 'You werenae helping me. You wanted me for yourself!'
'No,' Roland said, in the moment before a beam of yellow light hit Lucille and she began to scream.
'Come on, you guys!' Garrett yelled, as he was the only one firing.
'Is this gonna work?' Eduardo shouted above the noise, but all the same he crossed to the port side and fired his proton gun. 'She took off her skin!'
'No,' Kylie said, 'she's still wearing it! Kind of. Anyway, it's working. Quick, bring her over here!'
She opened the trap, keeping hold of it, as the boat was rocking and there was very little to stop the thing from sliding off the roof. Eduardo and Garrett manoeuvred Lucille into the entrapment beam. She was now a screaming, writhing mass of a woman's arms and face with a seal's tail and flippers and a limp, whiskered face. Roland looked away from the scene and struck out back towards the boat.
When the trap closed, the force of it sent Kylie sliding off the roof. She didn't look like she was about to go overboard, but Eduardo caught her anyway, and they ended up in a heap on the deck.
'Hey!' Garrett called after him. 'Lay off, will you?'
'I had to do it,' Roland said, as Andrew came to a stop in front of him. Not far behind were Egon, Eduardo and Kylie. Garrett hung back, apparently not wanting to try his wheelchair on the sand.
'Roland,' said Egon, 'that was incredibly rash of you. She's already shown that she means business.'
'She was just mad at Andrew,' said Roland. 'She'll go home now and live in peace. Look, if you're worried about the dry-clean only clothes and stuff that got ruined, you can take it out of my salary for the rest of my life.'
'Don't worry about the clothes, Roland,' said Kylie. 'The store can afford it. We came to stop you from helping her leave. If we're too late, we're too late.'
'You could have waited for us, man,' Eduardo added. 'No one was saying we'd let Andrew keep her if she really was just a victim.'
'Well,' said Roland, 'she was, and now she's safely back –'
'Hey, guys!' Garrett yelled. 'Cut the chat, will you? Aren't you seeing this?'
Egon, Eduardo, Kylie and Andrew looked up. Roland turned to face the water. Out of it was rising an impressive collection of everyday litter, flotsam and jetsam and a bubbling mass of some viscous black substance. All of it was riding on the crest of an enormous wave towards the land.
'Oh my,' said Egon. 'I was right. This is bad. We're going to need a boat.'
'No problem,' Roland said, and he led the way to Andrew's cabin cruiser. Andrew brought up the rear, and scrambled onto the deck just before the mass of garbage reached his feet. Garrett made his way along the jetty, transferred himself neatly onto one of the boat's wooden benches and pulled his wheelchair in after him. Roland helped him to fold it up.
'Hey!' said Andrew. 'The window's broken! Did you break my window?' He frowned at Roland.
'Only to retrieve stolen property,' Roland said. 'Just like Lucille broke your living room window to escape unlawful imprisonment.'
'You'll have to pay for the repair,' said Andrew. 'Do you know how much this boat is worth? And you're responsible for the living room window too – you climbed the fire escape to get to her!'
'Mr Hunter,' said Egon, looking up from his PKE meter, 'you can worry about your windows later. At present, I suggest we start pursuing the entity. If you drive the boat, I'll tell you where to go.'
'And you can lay off Roland while you're at it,' said Garrett, as Andrew started the boat with one last evil look at Roland. 'What did you think you were doing, anyway, stealing her skin and forcing her to live with you?'
'She's evil,' said Andrew.
'Not evil,' said Kylie. 'Vengeful.'
'And I bet you didn't know that at the time,' Eduardo added.
'Or did you?' Kylie asked doubtfully. 'Are you about to tell us you're some kind of Van Helsing for mermaids, and you only stole her skin to protect the world from her evil powers?'
'Well,' said Andrew, 'maybe I am!'
'What a crock,' said Garrett.
'Lay off him, you guys,' said Roland, slumping onto a bench, picking a spot on the port side a few inches away from Garrett. 'It doesn't matter now.'
Garrett looked at him, and then turned his gaze onto Eduardo and Kylie, his eyes commanding them to come and cheer Roland up. They exchanged a look, then put away their PKE meters and went to sit down opposite their downhearted comrade.
'Don't feel bad, Roland,' said Kylie. 'It says in my book that mermaids have a hypnotic effect on land men. It wasn't your fault.'
'Right,' said Eduardo. 'Kylie probably would've done the same thing if it'd been the dude in the picture she likes.'
Kylie frowned at him. Eduardo gave her an innocent look and tilted his head towards the moping Roland, so she relented and said, 'Yeah, I probably would've. Maybe. He's hot.'
'And she's hot too,' said Eduardo. 'Lucille is, I mean. I totally get it, man.'
Roland looked up at last, frowned and said, 'What do you two think I am? It wasn't like that! I felt sorry for her! I was trying to do the right thing! Is that so hard for you people to understand?'
'Good going, guys,' said Garrett.
'Well,' said Eduardo, 'where's your pearls of wisdom, huh?'
'Here's one,' said Garrett. 'Don't judge by your own standards. I never thought she'd bewitched you, dude,' he added, turning to Roland.
'Yes you did,' said Roland. 'You thought of it first.'
'Sorry, Roland,' said Kylie. 'It's just that... well, it's not like you to be so rash if you're not under a spell or something. But I can see why you felt that way. Lucille may be burying the entire planet in trash, but that doesn't excuse what Hunter did to her. Don't feel bad for trying to do the right thing.'
Roland dropped his gaze back to the boat deck.
'He can't help how he's feeling,' Eduardo said, getting to his feet. 'The dude needs space. So what's going on now?' He approached the boat's controls. 'Have we found her yet?'
'Not quite,' said Egon, who was standing and looking over Andrew's shoulder at the litter-strewn ocean. 'Mr Hunter is having some trouble manoeuvring the boat through all this waste matter.'
'Why am I helping you, anyway?' Andrew asked irritably. 'I know what you're going to do. You're going to put her in your ghost storage thing, aren't you?'
'Yes,' said Egon, frowning at his PKE meter.
'Why do you ask?' Eduardo said aggressively. 'Do you got a better idea?'
'We can be pretty sure she doesn't want to marry you,' Kylie added, appearing at Eduardo's side.
'Been doing your homework, have you?' Andrew asked, looking over his shoulder at her with a sneer that made Eduardo's scowl deepen. 'Books don't know everything, and they sure as heck don't know me. I'm not desperate for a girlfriend, and I don't want a wife.'
'Then what?' asked Kylie.
'That's none of your business, girlie.'
'Hey, man, watch it,' said Eduardo.
'Well,' said Kylie, putting a calming hand on Eduardo's arm, 'if you don't want to tell us because what you had planned for her is worse...'
'No worse than what you have planned for her!' Andrew snapped. Then he sighed, and said, 'About three years ago, I thought I saw a mermaid, and I told this friend of mine who happens to own an aquarium. He laughed at me, obviously, and then he said that if I could catch a mermaid for him he'd pay through the nose. So what if he was joking? I know he'd do it, if I actually came up with the goods, so I've been looking ever since. That's why I was on the beach last night. I read about selkies when I was doing my research, but I never thought I'd see that kind here. That was lucky.'
Kylie snorted with derision, and said, 'Lucky for who?'
'Don't defend her,' said Andrew. 'Look at what she's doing!' He flung out his arm to indicate.
'She could do this in your friend's aquarium,' said Egon, looking up from his PKE meter. 'I believe she'd destroy the place and then make her escape, if she had her seal skin. Being without it seemed to diminish her power. On the other hand, if you intended to keep her skin hidden, how would you expect people to accept her as a mermaid?'
'She's not supposed to look like one with the skin either,' said Eduardo. 'She's supposed to just look like a regular seal.'
'She looks exactly like a regular seal,' Roland said, as he joined the group of standees. 'I hope there aren't any other selkies around here, or we'll never find the right one.'
'Well,' said Kylie, 'she did come all the way from Ireland or somewhere.'
'Scotland,' said Roland, his gaze dropping to his feet. 'The Orkney Islands, she said.'
'Don't look so down, man,' said Eduardo, giving Roland a hearty clap on the back that he didn't seem to appreciate. 'Y'know, if you hadn't found her skin, we wouldn't be able to trap her. Would we?' He looked at Egon. 'Because she'd be incomplete. That's always happening to us.'
'You may be right,' said Egon. 'But she has her skin now, and we can trap her. We're getting close.'
'We're in cleaner water now,' said Andrew. 'She's handling much better.'
'We're in cleaner water because the selkie is sending everything to the land,' said Egon. 'I must say, I'm sorry it's likely to return to the ocean once we've trapped her... but needs must, I suppose. We're very close now. We're almost on top of her.'
'What's going on?' Garrett called from the benches.
Kylie turned, and called back, 'We're almost on top of her!'
Garrett, reaching for his gun, smirked and said, 'Lucky us.'
'She must be submerged,' said Egon, 'but that's all right. She'll have to come up for air.'
Eduardo stood ready on the starboard side with his gun in his hands, and Kylie unhooked the trap from her back. Garrett sat ready to fire from the port side while Roland stood by, weaponless.
'Tell me when she comes up,' said Garrett. 'I don't want to nuke an innocent seal.'
Kylie turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow, and said, 'Do you care that much?'
'Sure I do,' said Garrett. 'Seals are way cute!'
'There she is!' Egon said, pointing straight ahead. Neither Eduardo nor Garrett could get a clear shot from either side of the boat, so Kylie began trying to scramble onto the roof. Eduardo saw what she was doing and gave her a gentle shove.
'Thanks,' Kylie said, pulling herself up into a kneeling position, and grabbing onto a useful rail with her left hand. With her right, she fired her gun at the seal, which at once ducked under the water.
'Rats!' she said. 'Egon, how long before she has to come up again for air?'
'We can't be certain of that,' said Egon. 'It could be as much as half an hour.'
'Are you kidding?' said Andrew. 'Running this thing costs money, you know!'
'Hey, man, shut up,' said Eduardo.
Then Roland said, quite calmly, 'I guess I'd better go look for her,' kicked off his boots and dived into the water.
Everyone stared for a moment. Then Eduardo said, 'Guy's gone loco.'
'You would have done the same thing,' said Kylie, still kneeling on the roof.
'Maybe,' said Eduardo, 'but you guys would've made me feel even worse than he does. Can you imagine what you'd say if I'd been the one to let her go?'
'Well, yeah,' said Kylie, throwing him a facetious look over her shoulder, 'but you wouldn't have done it out of kindness.'
Eduardo scowled.
'There they are!' Garrett yelled, pointing, as Roland and Lucille the seal appeared flailing together in the water.
'How do you force a seal to the surface, anyway?' asked Eduardo.
'Like you'll ever need to know that,' said Kylie. 'Roland, move! We can't get a clean shot!'
Roland moved, pushing the seal away from him with some force.
'Do you really think the world deserves this, Lucille?' he asked, in anguished tones, treading water as he spoke. 'It's not all of us! Most people are good!'
The seal wriggled, then suddenly Lucille's human face appeared among the folds of seal fur and said, 'I dinnae even believe that some people are good!'
'Of course they are!' said Roland. 'What about me? I helped you!'
'And what are you doing now?'
'I don't have a choice. I can't let you do this. But if you'll just stop it, we –'
'You're as bad as the rest,' Lucille spat. 'You werenae helping me. You wanted me for yourself!'
'No,' Roland said, in the moment before a beam of yellow light hit Lucille and she began to scream.
'Come on, you guys!' Garrett yelled, as he was the only one firing.
'Is this gonna work?' Eduardo shouted above the noise, but all the same he crossed to the port side and fired his proton gun. 'She took off her skin!'
'No,' Kylie said, 'she's still wearing it! Kind of. Anyway, it's working. Quick, bring her over here!'
She opened the trap, keeping hold of it, as the boat was rocking and there was very little to stop the thing from sliding off the roof. Eduardo and Garrett manoeuvred Lucille into the entrapment beam. She was now a screaming, writhing mass of a woman's arms and face with a seal's tail and flippers and a limp, whiskered face. Roland looked away from the scene and struck out back towards the boat.
When the trap closed, the force of it sent Kylie sliding off the roof. She didn't look like she was about to go overboard, but Eduardo caught her anyway, and they ended up in a heap on the deck.
Back in the department store,
Phillippa whooped with delight when all the dry-clean only clothing
suddenly puffed up into shape and the spots of damp disappeared from
the walls. She ran to turn off the nearest dehumidifier.
In Andrew's apartment block, all
the damp was drying up and the litter disappearing. The doorman took
off his hat, fanned himself with it and let out the most enormous
sigh of relief.
'So,' said Andrew, looking at Egon, 'that's it?'
'That's it,' Egon said, gazing out to shore, from which all the garbage from the Atlantic Ocean and beyond was disappearing.
'Well,' Andrew said, 'I know what you're going to do now! You're going to write an article or a book or something about her, aren't you? You haven't written on selkies before – she must have been your first. Well, since I found her, it's only fair that I should get –'
'Andrew,' said Garrett, who was leaning over the side of the boat and helping Roland to pull himself onto the deck. 'Seriously. Shut up. Roland, man, are you okay?'
'Yes,' Roland said, sitting down next to Garrett and shivering. 'Just cold. I forgot it was the middle of winter.' He looked over his shoulder, down into the water. 'A part of me wishes I hadn't done that.'
'That's it,' Egon said, gazing out to shore, from which all the garbage from the Atlantic Ocean and beyond was disappearing.
'Well,' Andrew said, 'I know what you're going to do now! You're going to write an article or a book or something about her, aren't you? You haven't written on selkies before – she must have been your first. Well, since I found her, it's only fair that I should get –'
'Andrew,' said Garrett, who was leaning over the side of the boat and helping Roland to pull himself onto the deck. 'Seriously. Shut up. Roland, man, are you okay?'
'Yes,' Roland said, sitting down next to Garrett and shivering. 'Just cold. I forgot it was the middle of winter.' He looked over his shoulder, down into the water. 'A part of me wishes I hadn't done that.'
